... but then...

This morning my girl and my husband had a blowout, and he said he could see by her face that she was having a flashback and that something bad was going to happen.  I think she hit him hard on the shoulder, and I could hear him telling her to leave the room, although she wouldn't. Happily, she got over it and was calm and cheerful by the time she had to go to school. There will be times in her life when something will trigger a bad feeling for her and she'll act out. We'll never be able to predict it, but hopefully we can act appropriately.

nothing to report!

Hello,

Well, feeling better and better each day. Starting to do more things around the house, as I mentioned in my last post, and doing them with a lighter heart than before. Today, I went to the gym after making dinner (right after breakfast) for later when the tutor comes over, and I also finished everything but the final seam on a hat I'm knitting for a friend.

Back in my office to prep for the next week, although there's lot of time. Procrastinating. No, I'll get to it. Yesterday, I prepped for next Monday morning's first class. Today, I will prep for next Wednesday (no classes on Tuesdays), and tomorrow, I'll do Thursday and Friday's classes. After that, I can work on the homestay course prep and my plan for my graduation thesis students.

The kids are great and last night was lovely -- I was sitting in one chair knitting, and the rest of the fam was on the couch: hubby reading a book, my boy playing with a cat, and my girl watching videos on the ipod while wearing headphones. The other cat was in top of the cat tower, so the whole fam was together -- co-playing, I guess! It's becoming more fun and less stressful to be together at last.

So with that, I go prep...

xo
M

Feeling normal

Today's blog is brought to you courtesy of a soy mattcha frappucino, solanax, and paxil -- which is finally started to have an effect, because I have felt more normal today than I have in months.  The anxiety, guilt, and stress built up over the semester to the point where I'd sit at my desk at work paralyzed by fear for no reason and crying (or in bed crying, or holding back tears on the treadmill at the gym). Thanks to the kind ministrations of Dr. K., we seem to have found the right balance. I am also grateful to many dear friends who have opened up to me about their struggles over the years and shared advice about meds and shown me not to be afraid of them. I also thank those friends willing to just listen to me tell my tale of woe.

It had to hit me sooner or later, although I was in denial for a long time and thought I could just will the daily assaults of negative thoughts, some very dark indeed, away through sheer thought power.  Several family members struggle with depression and now it was my turn for the chemicals in my brain to start misfiring, due to whatever trigger. Can't place it -- twin loss, too much new stuff  all at once (move, increase in work, increase in family), dealing with my own childhood issues while raising a troubled child -- whatever, I suppose it's enough to drive anyone to distraction.

Oh, but today, when I woke up, I felt NOTHING. Not zombie nothing, but no assault. No guilt. Should I get up although I don't have to? What hundred things do I have to do today? Nothing. Oh, my husband asked me to vacuum the house, which I happily did after emptying out the cat shitter as is my new daily task. It was amazing to just do things like I used to calmly and normally and with no feeling of being overwhelmed or any pressing need to feel worried that I was or wasn't doing something "correctly" and that the hammer would come down sooner or later.

People with depression, I get you now. I am one of you. I know how overwhelming the simplest tasks can be. I apologize to anyone who I ever got frustrated with for not being able to do the easiest thing or get organized or care about what you wore or anything when it takes a herculean effort to make it through the day when all you want to do is crawl back in bed and cry (while feeling guilty about it, naturally).

Thankfully, my husband is fine and getting lots of soccer therapy -- we go for walks along the beach once a week to chat about whatever (usually family) and that is a precious time for us. Lately, I've needed a lot of reassurances from him that everything's okay, and he assures me that it is. Now that I'm feeling better, I can start helping him around the house more (although he told me that even if I did, he'd find something to complain about anyway!) Yes, this is a side of him that only the family gets to see: grumpy pumpy.

The kids are doing great and we hear more laughing and singing than before. My girl has calmed down and shows her sweet side (mostly to me because my husband can't control his frustration over small things) and the cats have calmed us and brought us all together in the nicest way. My girl made it back onto the C team and now has basketball 6 days a week. It's a good outlet for her and she seems to be back with many friends she couldn't see when she was "demoted" earlier in the semester.

We got a tutor for the boy and he's very happy about that, so we can hope his grades will improve so that grade 6 won't be too much of a challenge next year. He is motivated by the thought of an iPod -- that will come after we see his next report card. The last one showed that although he does his homework, he was below the class average.

My boy has occasional burst of identity issue stuff and it comes out in requests for more cats, a younger brother (to be specific, for us to "exchange" my girl for a little boy), or more tech. We try to recognize it for it is. He is coming to adolescence and will start wondering more and more about where he comes from. Sometimes, I find him staring at me and I wonder if he's thinking. "Who is this strange foreign lady and why is she taking care of me?" etc.

This weekend is busy for all of us. Early tomorrow morning, the boys are going out of town for a soccer tournament, the girl has basketball all weekend and is staying at a friend's tomorrow night, and I'm off to Kanagawa tomorrow afternoon to present at a conference Sunday morning, then right back home. Monday is a holiday -- if my girl has no plan, will try to think of something fun we can do together.

How fabulous to just feel normal!

xo
M

additions to the fam

We got kitties!

Thanks to the quick work of Animal Friends Japan, we are now the happy family of Stripe and Shiro, a brother and sister of 5-month-old friendly cuties! The kids are wild about them and were more interested in the cats than the TV or their video games! Now, all the rooms, except the tatami rooms, are open so that the cats can explore. They were hanging out under the bed in my boy's room, but Stripe just came down, visited the kitty loo, and paid me a quick visit.

After several sleepless nights, I went to Dr. K. and got some Paxil, because the Solanax, while helpful, is a short-term solution and I had to accept that I needed something stronger and longer-lasting, He gave me the lowest dose he could (10 mg) and although warned of nausea, happily I am not having problems. It will take 2 weeks to a month for the meds to kick in, so I'm still taking the Solanax until that happens. I feel a lot better than I have in a long time and can deal with daily stresses and feel hopeful -- I haven't felt this good in a while!

The kids are great and things are going fairly smoothly. Everyone seems to be getting closer. My girl moved her toothbrush and toothpaste to the downstairs bathroom, which everyone uses -- before that she'd been the only one using the upstairs sink. She is showing her sweet side and taking more direction from me than before. I feel a lot better. She and my husband still get into rows -- he is quick to get annoyed and doesn't ask the kids to do things in a way that would make it easier to get compliance. Ah well. I've told him, but that's his way.

My boy has been creeping into our bed at night and for two nights in a row, she snuggled up to me, which he had NEVER done before. Bliss!

It's our 19th wedding anniversary today!

Thank you all for your love and support on our journey! Couldn't do it without you!

xo
M

jetlagged and happy to be home

Hello all,

So, no anti-anxiety meds needed since we came back. Everyone is happy to be home. My girl made soup for yesterday's breakfast and was happy to be praised for the delicious taste. Today, she made everyone a full breakfast, loading our plates with fried eggs and salad. Rice or bread was left up to the individual. Today's soup was also delicious.

Her sweet, generous nature is now beginning to reveal itself more and more every day. I think the trip to Canada did her good. She got lots of time to herself, but also had lots of attention, love, and fun. She met many different people and went to new places. She ate new things, although she wasn't crazy about many of them. She got closer to her brother because he was the only one near her age who spoke Japanese. She got closer to me and we had lots of fun in the pool at my aunt's place -- the same place I started bonding with my boy 7 years ago during his first visit to Canada.

I think I was more stressed out during the trip than anyone. I was constantly worrying if everyone was happy, although I had no need to worry. Everyone was happy. And now I am, too. Happy to back in my lovely house, even though it's frickin' humid as hades here.

Because the main purpose of this trip was to introduce my girl to the family, we didn't see as many friends as usual, but I cherished the great talks I had with the friends I did see. I got a lot of good parenting hints and assurances that we are doing fine and the kids seem to be happy. 

One thing that I think I might change for future trips is the living arrangements. We have been staying with the same friends for years, and I think we should consider imposing ourselves on others in the future. Our friends are great and have never made us feel less than welcome, but I think we have relied on their generosity for too long. I'm even thinking that we should consider putting money away every month so that we can stay in an apartment hotel and be more independent. Perhaps I'm becoming a little bit Japanese in my thinking and feeling, but I felt that we were somewhat of a burden to our friends and we have no way to repay them in kind until they come to Japan, which is unlikely. In an apartment hotel, we could buy and cook our own food and not wonder constantly (like I did) if the small amount of money I gave to my friends (that they would let me give them) covered even a fraction of the food we ate, or the energy and water we used.

Anyway, I'm feeling far and away better than I did before going home. I'm still jetlagged as heck, but hope that will be over by the weekend. We've been living together for a full 5 months and I think we've turned a corner.

Grateful to all of you who have been on this journey with us! Thanks for reading today's ramblings.

xo
M

ups and downs

Hello,

Dad was admitted to hospital yesterday morning suddenly. He was having trouble breathing and then when he went to the toilet couldn't move and called my mom to call 911. Mom said three female paramedics (she described one as an amazon) arrived and revived dad, but they had to do a lot of work, so the doctors have decided to keep him in hospital for a bit. He was just about to be moved from the ICU to the AMA yesterday when mom and I arrived to see him around 3:30.

His doctor's name is Jim Nishikawa, so I wrote his name in my very childish kanji on the whiteboard under the English version . When Dr. N. arrived, he looked at it and said, "I'm Canadian and I can't read that" but later gave Dad heck when Dad admitted that he didn't like sushi. Dad was in good spirits and wanting to go home soon, but we suspect he'll be in hospital longer than he'd like this time because the paramedics had to do a lot of work on him this time.

Dad had indulged in a lot of salty restaurant food lately and that seems to have been the culprit. His bladder was enlarged and he had to be given diuretics and although he refused the catheter at first, accepted it thanks to the calm and logical demeanor of the nurse.

My sister is also in town, so we're working on healing some old family wounds. It's good timing. Although my dad has come through a lot, emergency visits to the hospital are becoming more frequent. Mom said she'd just paid the bill for the last ambulance the day before yesterday.

Both kids are doing great. They both seem happy to do nothing but relax and play on their tech or watch TV -- but we do drag them out to the pool at my aunt's, which they also love. My husband has taught my girl how to play Hanafuda, so they had a tournament last night. My boy had an issue with my girl last night about a missing toy, but that passed and all is well again this morning.

 I caught up on some work last night and had some alone time -- it's exhausting to be worrying about everyone -- and now my dad, too. On the other hand, it's a relief that the overwhelming feeling of doom I've had lately may have had a basis in reality. As I've said in previous blogs, I do feel deeply connected to my Dad and there are times where I'll feel sick and then my mom will call and tell me he's in hospital.

Everyone describes the kids as "good" and "beautiful", which is nice. I wonder if I should stop telling them what it's really like at home. I hate whitewashing, but maybe people don't really want to know the reality!

We leave Ottawa on Tuesday.I'll be going to the hospital every day to visit Dad until we leave, so won't be making any more appointments to hang out with friends I'm afraid. Keep us in your prayers!

Thanks, as always, for reading this meandering blog today.
xo
M

Week 2

Hello!

Well, it's been a busy time for us -- there is downtime most mornings -- my boy goes to soccer camp for half the day, then we pick him up and go to my parents' or swimming at my aunt's or out to meet friends. Yesterday, my parents took the kids for the whole day, so my husband I could go to Montreal to meet some very dear friends from Japan. My friends kindly offered to host our boy should he ever want to do a homestay abroad. My girl may not be ready for that adventure for another few years, but who knows?

The friends we are staying with remain fabulous and we are really enjoying our visit here. My boy is quite active and happy it seems, but my girl still likes to spend a lot of time alone. I was thinking about it today - she was surrounded by kids for years, and it was a loud and unsettling environment, so I won't deny her as much quiet alone time as she likes. For a while though, tired of her refusing my offers to do things together, I just stopped offering. Today, I figured I'll start offering again and give her the right of refusal, so asked if she wanted to go for a walk to a nearby shopping mall to get souvenirs. She said she didn't want to walk, so I'll go alone -- which is fine with me, because as you know, I like lots of alone time, too. However, last night we hung out together in my bed doing our own things -- she playing a game on her DS, me reading, with our legs touching, so we try to connect when we can. She's doing this new thing where she stands behind me and puts her hands on my shoulders and jumps. I'm happy with whatever contact she cares to initiate!

Both kids are using a little more English. My boy speaks it more, and my girl understands it more, which is great. We don't push them although it's obvious that my father gets annoyed and thinks we should have the kids fluently bilingual. However, the other day, my boy screwed up his courage and formed a whole question to ask my mother "May I have a diet coke?" My girl, not to be outdone, asked for grapes in the same way. She's actually picking things up really fast -- there was an English-medium daycare at the orphanage she lived in, so she has English in there somewhere!

Both kids got tons of cash from my generous aunts and we went to spend it toys. However, the kids still prefer their tech and don't play with the toys that much, although the boy likes his drone and does play with it a bit. I feel like my aunts gave ｔｈｅｍ money for nothing, but what can you do? Maybe they'll play with them later.

I'm not seeing as many friends this time as I'd like, but I know you understand that it's a little more difficult when kids' needs have to be seen to, especially when those kids have a limited understanding of the language. However, I'll be back staying in my own apartment when I bring  students to Canada with me in February and will have plenty of time to socialize.

Still feeling anxious for no reason, especially in the morning. Spent the first 45 minutes of the day on the treadmill at my friends' place and will do that every day from now on. Still taking the anti-anxiety meds and will try to get something a little stronger, because these are for short-term use and I think I need something a little more heavy duty -- will work on that when I return to Japan. By the way, my GP, who is a facebook friend, checks in on me regularly, which is wonderful, don't you think? (he reads these blogs, too, so Hi, amazing Dr. K!).

xo
Mel