Hello,
Well, it's amazing how far we've come with our girl and I'm preferring to be with the kids rather than away from them now. The girl has been awesome -- she's helping with chores, she's cooking, cleaning the cat box, washing dishes, and being fun to be with. There's little fighting these days, except when my husband nags her about homework, etc. She doesn't fight with my boy, unless he provokes it, which he does, but that's little brothers for you.
So, that's why I haven't written for so long. Things have calmed down to such a degree that the need to get my feelings out has mostly gone. I'm sure this situation will change when adolescence sets in full swing. My boy already alternates between calling me "okaasan" and by my first name -- pretty much 50-50 now. But that's okay.
So, we got through the worst of the testing period. There will be more, but now there is an undercurrent of love and appreciation among us, so that will keep us from losing it completely, I hope!
Thanks for all your support and love through this difficult period in our lives. We lived through it to tell the tale and are stronger for it. My advocacy for adoption and fostering in Japan continues!
xo
Mel
Tuesday, December 13, 2016
Tuesday, November 8, 2016
Finding the balance
Hello,
Well, motherhood these days is like a see-saw, where I'm trying to keep both kids happy. I read to my boy, then wash my girl's hair. I have to buy two of any treats to make sure there's no obvious favoritism. Of course, there are times when I slip a treat to one kid secretly -- at my school's festival, I saw the cutest kitty key chain made by a student, so bought one for my girl on the condition that she not say where she got it.
I can't believe how much she demands of me now. She really wants to hang out -- to watch videos together, to bathe together, and she likes to leave the house when I do now. I'm so happy about this -- it happened faster than I expected. My boy, seeing us getting closer seems jealous, so he's making demands as well. I find myself running upstairs to see to the needs of one kid and then back down the stairs to see to the needs of the other. I feel more like a mom than I did when it was just the three of us and my boy clung to my husband and I sometimes felt that if I weren't there, no one would notice except for less money and western food.
However, my husband is worried because my girl has to think more seriously about junior high school. She'll have to work much harder than she currently does if she intends to go to high school. She rarely does homework and will really have to buckle down. Now that she's more stable and happy both and home and at school, we hope she will be motivated to work. Sadly, though, JHS is the time when a lot of Japanese kids start refusing to go to school. We hope she'll stay in sports and want to be with her friends enough to stay in school. It is realistic for my husband to be worried, but for a change, I think he shouldn't stress out about it until it happens. Rare for me to be more relaxed about something than he.
My boy has put himself on a diet. He's eating less and at my recommendation, eating more slowly than he used to (and making sure to tell us that he did). I told him it's a combination of diet and exercise to lose weight and that it's better to lose it slowly rather than quickly. I think he really listened! Why is he doing this now? Could it be a coincidence that he likes a girl in his class?
I'm really enjoying being with the kids more than I used to. I no longer hang out at work longer than I really need to because I'm afraid to go home and hear yelling and fighting. It seems miraculous.
xo
M
Well, motherhood these days is like a see-saw, where I'm trying to keep both kids happy. I read to my boy, then wash my girl's hair. I have to buy two of any treats to make sure there's no obvious favoritism. Of course, there are times when I slip a treat to one kid secretly -- at my school's festival, I saw the cutest kitty key chain made by a student, so bought one for my girl on the condition that she not say where she got it.
I can't believe how much she demands of me now. She really wants to hang out -- to watch videos together, to bathe together, and she likes to leave the house when I do now. I'm so happy about this -- it happened faster than I expected. My boy, seeing us getting closer seems jealous, so he's making demands as well. I find myself running upstairs to see to the needs of one kid and then back down the stairs to see to the needs of the other. I feel more like a mom than I did when it was just the three of us and my boy clung to my husband and I sometimes felt that if I weren't there, no one would notice except for less money and western food.
However, my husband is worried because my girl has to think more seriously about junior high school. She'll have to work much harder than she currently does if she intends to go to high school. She rarely does homework and will really have to buckle down. Now that she's more stable and happy both and home and at school, we hope she will be motivated to work. Sadly, though, JHS is the time when a lot of Japanese kids start refusing to go to school. We hope she'll stay in sports and want to be with her friends enough to stay in school. It is realistic for my husband to be worried, but for a change, I think he shouldn't stress out about it until it happens. Rare for me to be more relaxed about something than he.
My boy has put himself on a diet. He's eating less and at my recommendation, eating more slowly than he used to (and making sure to tell us that he did). I told him it's a combination of diet and exercise to lose weight and that it's better to lose it slowly rather than quickly. I think he really listened! Why is he doing this now? Could it be a coincidence that he likes a girl in his class?
I'm really enjoying being with the kids more than I used to. I no longer hang out at work longer than I really need to because I'm afraid to go home and hear yelling and fighting. It seems miraculous.
xo
M
Wednesday, October 26, 2016
it goes deep
Hello,
Usually, when my kids sleep with me, after they fall asleep, I whisper affirmations into their ears, like "We love you very much. You are strong. You are smart. You are amazing. You can do anything. We are always here for you."
My boy was sleeping with me last night and although he was fast asleep, he shook his head "no" both times when I whispered, "You are strong. You are smart."
The lack of self-confidence of these kids runs right to their core. I will start doing the affirmations every night, I think.
xo
M
Usually, when my kids sleep with me, after they fall asleep, I whisper affirmations into their ears, like "We love you very much. You are strong. You are smart. You are amazing. You can do anything. We are always here for you."
My boy was sleeping with me last night and although he was fast asleep, he shook his head "no" both times when I whispered, "You are strong. You are smart."
The lack of self-confidence of these kids runs right to their core. I will start doing the affirmations every night, I think.
xo
M
Monday, October 24, 2016
One kid up, the other down
So,
Things with my girl have been going swimmingly of late. She wants to hang around with me more and more. Now she insists we bathe together (this is normal in Japan) and today we had a most lovely time shopping for dinner, which she prepared. She is sweet, generous, and very funny, and I'm enjoying being with her. She has really made us into a family, I think.
My boy, though, is now going through pre-adolescent angst and identity issues. Lately, he's been pretty hostile and disrespectful toward me, although he does it with a smile at times, pretending to be joking, but I know he's angry. He accuses Tatsuro and I of taking him away from his hometown -- last night, he said he wanted to go back by himself (I know he doesn't mean it). He's been thinking a lot about his birth mother lately and now fluctuates between calling me okaasan and by my first name. He's always been whiny, but he's stepped it up now and adds demands for things -- a new bed, a dresser, a mat for the floor, more money, a different house, a different car... the list is endless. Every day, he asks me for games for Christmas and tells me what he wants to do with the money he'll get for new years from Tatsuro's family. He's also eating a lot, so it's obvious that he's trying to fill a void with stuff or food. It's hard for us to tell him that won't work. Last night, I listened to a litany of complaints, ending with "You're not my real parents." I knew it would come and frankly, it didn't hurt as much as I thought it would, but it's not nice to hear. He's defiant, but still babyish, so perhaps that's why it didn't bother me. He still needs us. However, I do get fed up sometimes and have to leave the room.
Last night, my husband wanted to do some role plays with the kids about what to do if they are being bullied, having money extorted, etc. While my girl was fine and gave very thoughtful answers, the role plays hit too close to home for my boy and he fought with my husband, cried, and left the room. Once he'd calmed down and returned, we were able to talk about what to do in various situations. My boy is very sensitive and is being teased at school. He acts like it's nothing when he's at school, but he shows his frustration at home. We are trying to find some strategies to help him. I was also bullied, as I have written, and like him, turned it inward, rather than facing the bullies or asking for help. We reminded both kids to go to a sympathetic friend, their teacher, or us, if they have issues -- that they are not alone. My girl understood clearly what we were doing, but I'm not sure if something went in for my boy -- he was clearly uncomfortable and kept jumping around while we were talking.
Both kids will have to deal with their respective pasts -- I think my girl has a better chance of coming out okay, although I doubted that before -- she's very sensitive, intuitive, and thoughtful. I just hope my boy will not start getting into trouble, although that's a normal part of adolescence, teenage years, etc.
The fun never stops!
xo
M
Things with my girl have been going swimmingly of late. She wants to hang around with me more and more. Now she insists we bathe together (this is normal in Japan) and today we had a most lovely time shopping for dinner, which she prepared. She is sweet, generous, and very funny, and I'm enjoying being with her. She has really made us into a family, I think.
My boy, though, is now going through pre-adolescent angst and identity issues. Lately, he's been pretty hostile and disrespectful toward me, although he does it with a smile at times, pretending to be joking, but I know he's angry. He accuses Tatsuro and I of taking him away from his hometown -- last night, he said he wanted to go back by himself (I know he doesn't mean it). He's been thinking a lot about his birth mother lately and now fluctuates between calling me okaasan and by my first name. He's always been whiny, but he's stepped it up now and adds demands for things -- a new bed, a dresser, a mat for the floor, more money, a different house, a different car... the list is endless. Every day, he asks me for games for Christmas and tells me what he wants to do with the money he'll get for new years from Tatsuro's family. He's also eating a lot, so it's obvious that he's trying to fill a void with stuff or food. It's hard for us to tell him that won't work. Last night, I listened to a litany of complaints, ending with "You're not my real parents." I knew it would come and frankly, it didn't hurt as much as I thought it would, but it's not nice to hear. He's defiant, but still babyish, so perhaps that's why it didn't bother me. He still needs us. However, I do get fed up sometimes and have to leave the room.
Last night, my husband wanted to do some role plays with the kids about what to do if they are being bullied, having money extorted, etc. While my girl was fine and gave very thoughtful answers, the role plays hit too close to home for my boy and he fought with my husband, cried, and left the room. Once he'd calmed down and returned, we were able to talk about what to do in various situations. My boy is very sensitive and is being teased at school. He acts like it's nothing when he's at school, but he shows his frustration at home. We are trying to find some strategies to help him. I was also bullied, as I have written, and like him, turned it inward, rather than facing the bullies or asking for help. We reminded both kids to go to a sympathetic friend, their teacher, or us, if they have issues -- that they are not alone. My girl understood clearly what we were doing, but I'm not sure if something went in for my boy -- he was clearly uncomfortable and kept jumping around while we were talking.
Both kids will have to deal with their respective pasts -- I think my girl has a better chance of coming out okay, although I doubted that before -- she's very sensitive, intuitive, and thoughtful. I just hope my boy will not start getting into trouble, although that's a normal part of adolescence, teenage years, etc.
The fun never stops!
xo
M
Tuesday, September 27, 2016
... but then...
This morning my girl and my husband had a blowout, and he said he could see by her face that she was having a flashback and that something bad was going to happen. I think she hit him hard on the shoulder, and I could hear him telling her to leave the room, although she wouldn't. Happily, she got over it and was calm and cheerful by the time she had to go to school. There will be times in her life when something will trigger a bad feeling for her and she'll act out. We'll never be able to predict it, but hopefully we can act appropriately.
Monday, September 26, 2016
nothing to report!
Hello,
Well, feeling better and better each day. Starting to do more things around the house, as I mentioned in my last post, and doing them with a lighter heart than before. Today, I went to the gym after making dinner (right after breakfast) for later when the tutor comes over, and I also finished everything but the final seam on a hat I'm knitting for a friend.
Back in my office to prep for the next week, although there's lot of time. Procrastinating. No, I'll get to it. Yesterday, I prepped for next Monday morning's first class. Today, I will prep for next Wednesday (no classes on Tuesdays), and tomorrow, I'll do Thursday and Friday's classes. After that, I can work on the homestay course prep and my plan for my graduation thesis students.
The kids are great and last night was lovely -- I was sitting in one chair knitting, and the rest of the fam was on the couch: hubby reading a book, my boy playing with a cat, and my girl watching videos on the ipod while wearing headphones. The other cat was in top of the cat tower, so the whole fam was together -- co-playing, I guess! It's becoming more fun and less stressful to be together at last.
So with that, I go prep...
xo
M
Well, feeling better and better each day. Starting to do more things around the house, as I mentioned in my last post, and doing them with a lighter heart than before. Today, I went to the gym after making dinner (right after breakfast) for later when the tutor comes over, and I also finished everything but the final seam on a hat I'm knitting for a friend.
Back in my office to prep for the next week, although there's lot of time. Procrastinating. No, I'll get to it. Yesterday, I prepped for next Monday morning's first class. Today, I will prep for next Wednesday (no classes on Tuesdays), and tomorrow, I'll do Thursday and Friday's classes. After that, I can work on the homestay course prep and my plan for my graduation thesis students.
The kids are great and last night was lovely -- I was sitting in one chair knitting, and the rest of the fam was on the couch: hubby reading a book, my boy playing with a cat, and my girl watching videos on the ipod while wearing headphones. The other cat was in top of the cat tower, so the whole fam was together -- co-playing, I guess! It's becoming more fun and less stressful to be together at last.
So with that, I go prep...
xo
M
Thursday, September 15, 2016
Feeling normal
Today's blog is brought to you courtesy of a soy mattcha frappucino, solanax, and paxil -- which is finally started to have an effect, because I have felt more normal today than I have in months. The anxiety, guilt, and stress built up over the semester to the point where I'd sit at my desk at work paralyzed by fear for no reason and crying (or in bed crying, or holding back tears on the treadmill at the gym). Thanks to the kind ministrations of Dr. K., we seem to have found the right balance. I am also grateful to many dear friends who have opened up to me about their struggles over the years and shared advice about meds and shown me not to be afraid of them. I also thank those friends willing to just listen to me tell my tale of woe.
It had to hit me sooner or later, although I was in denial for a long time and thought I could just will the daily assaults of negative thoughts, some very dark indeed, away through sheer thought power. Several family members struggle with depression and now it was my turn for the chemicals in my brain to start misfiring, due to whatever trigger. Can't place it -- twin loss, too much new stuff all at once (move, increase in work, increase in family), dealing with my own childhood issues while raising a troubled child -- whatever, I suppose it's enough to drive anyone to distraction.
Oh, but today, when I woke up, I felt NOTHING. Not zombie nothing, but no assault. No guilt. Should I get up although I don't have to? What hundred things do I have to do today? Nothing. Oh, my husband asked me to vacuum the house, which I happily did after emptying out the cat shitter as is my new daily task. It was amazing to just do things like I used to calmly and normally and with no feeling of being overwhelmed or any pressing need to feel worried that I was or wasn't doing something "correctly" and that the hammer would come down sooner or later.
People with depression, I get you now. I am one of you. I know how overwhelming the simplest tasks can be. I apologize to anyone who I ever got frustrated with for not being able to do the easiest thing or get organized or care about what you wore or anything when it takes a herculean effort to make it through the day when all you want to do is crawl back in bed and cry (while feeling guilty about it, naturally).
Thankfully, my husband is fine and getting lots of soccer therapy -- we go for walks along the beach once a week to chat about whatever (usually family) and that is a precious time for us. Lately, I've needed a lot of reassurances from him that everything's okay, and he assures me that it is. Now that I'm feeling better, I can start helping him around the house more (although he told me that even if I did, he'd find something to complain about anyway!) Yes, this is a side of him that only the family gets to see: grumpy pumpy.
The kids are doing great and we hear more laughing and singing than before. My girl has calmed down and shows her sweet side (mostly to me because my husband can't control his frustration over small things) and the cats have calmed us and brought us all together in the nicest way. My girl made it back onto the C team and now has basketball 6 days a week. It's a good outlet for her and she seems to be back with many friends she couldn't see when she was "demoted" earlier in the semester.
We got a tutor for the boy and he's very happy about that, so we can hope his grades will improve so that grade 6 won't be too much of a challenge next year. He is motivated by the thought of an iPod -- that will come after we see his next report card. The last one showed that although he does his homework, he was below the class average.
My boy has occasional burst of identity issue stuff and it comes out in requests for more cats, a younger brother (to be specific, for us to "exchange" my girl for a little boy), or more tech. We try to recognize it for it is. He is coming to adolescence and will start wondering more and more about where he comes from. Sometimes, I find him staring at me and I wonder if he's thinking. "Who is this strange foreign lady and why is she taking care of me?" etc.
This weekend is busy for all of us. Early tomorrow morning, the boys are going out of town for a soccer tournament, the girl has basketball all weekend and is staying at a friend's tomorrow night, and I'm off to Kanagawa tomorrow afternoon to present at a conference Sunday morning, then right back home. Monday is a holiday -- if my girl has no plan, will try to think of something fun we can do together.
How fabulous to just feel normal!
xo
M
Sunday, September 4, 2016
additions to the fam
We got kitties!
Thanks to the quick work of Animal Friends Japan, we are now the happy family of Stripe and Shiro, a brother and sister of 5-month-old friendly cuties! The kids are wild about them and were more interested in the cats than the TV or their video games! Now, all the rooms, except the tatami rooms, are open so that the cats can explore. They were hanging out under the bed in my boy's room, but Stripe just came down, visited the kitty loo, and paid me a quick visit.
After several sleepless nights, I went to Dr. K. and got some Paxil, because the Solanax, while helpful, is a short-term solution and I had to accept that I needed something stronger and longer-lasting, He gave me the lowest dose he could (10 mg) and although warned of nausea, happily I am not having problems. It will take 2 weeks to a month for the meds to kick in, so I'm still taking the Solanax until that happens. I feel a lot better than I have in a long time and can deal with daily stresses and feel hopeful -- I haven't felt this good in a while!
The kids are great and things are going fairly smoothly. Everyone seems to be getting closer. My girl moved her toothbrush and toothpaste to the downstairs bathroom, which everyone uses -- before that she'd been the only one using the upstairs sink. She is showing her sweet side and taking more direction from me than before. I feel a lot better. She and my husband still get into rows -- he is quick to get annoyed and doesn't ask the kids to do things in a way that would make it easier to get compliance. Ah well. I've told him, but that's his way.
My boy has been creeping into our bed at night and for two nights in a row, she snuggled up to me, which he had NEVER done before. Bliss!
It's our 19th wedding anniversary today!
Thank you all for your love and support on our journey! Couldn't do it without you!
xo
M
Thanks to the quick work of Animal Friends Japan, we are now the happy family of Stripe and Shiro, a brother and sister of 5-month-old friendly cuties! The kids are wild about them and were more interested in the cats than the TV or their video games! Now, all the rooms, except the tatami rooms, are open so that the cats can explore. They were hanging out under the bed in my boy's room, but Stripe just came down, visited the kitty loo, and paid me a quick visit.
After several sleepless nights, I went to Dr. K. and got some Paxil, because the Solanax, while helpful, is a short-term solution and I had to accept that I needed something stronger and longer-lasting, He gave me the lowest dose he could (10 mg) and although warned of nausea, happily I am not having problems. It will take 2 weeks to a month for the meds to kick in, so I'm still taking the Solanax until that happens. I feel a lot better than I have in a long time and can deal with daily stresses and feel hopeful -- I haven't felt this good in a while!
The kids are great and things are going fairly smoothly. Everyone seems to be getting closer. My girl moved her toothbrush and toothpaste to the downstairs bathroom, which everyone uses -- before that she'd been the only one using the upstairs sink. She is showing her sweet side and taking more direction from me than before. I feel a lot better. She and my husband still get into rows -- he is quick to get annoyed and doesn't ask the kids to do things in a way that would make it easier to get compliance. Ah well. I've told him, but that's his way.
My boy has been creeping into our bed at night and for two nights in a row, she snuggled up to me, which he had NEVER done before. Bliss!
It's our 19th wedding anniversary today!
Thank you all for your love and support on our journey! Couldn't do it without you!
xo
M
Thursday, August 25, 2016
jetlagged and happy to be home
Hello all,
So, no anti-anxiety meds needed since we came back. Everyone is happy to be home. My girl made soup for yesterday's breakfast and was happy to be praised for the delicious taste. Today, she made everyone a full breakfast, loading our plates with fried eggs and salad. Rice or bread was left up to the individual. Today's soup was also delicious.
Her sweet, generous nature is now beginning to reveal itself more and more every day. I think the trip to Canada did her good. She got lots of time to herself, but also had lots of attention, love, and fun. She met many different people and went to new places. She ate new things, although she wasn't crazy about many of them. She got closer to her brother because he was the only one near her age who spoke Japanese. She got closer to me and we had lots of fun in the pool at my aunt's place -- the same place I started bonding with my boy 7 years ago during his first visit to Canada.
I think I was more stressed out during the trip than anyone. I was constantly worrying if everyone was happy, although I had no need to worry. Everyone was happy. And now I am, too. Happy to back in my lovely house, even though it's frickin' humid as hades here.
Because the main purpose of this trip was to introduce my girl to the family, we didn't see as many friends as usual, but I cherished the great talks I had with the friends I did see. I got a lot of good parenting hints and assurances that we are doing fine and the kids seem to be happy.
One thing that I think I might change for future trips is the living arrangements. We have been staying with the same friends for years, and I think we should consider imposing ourselves on others in the future. Our friends are great and have never made us feel less than welcome, but I think we have relied on their generosity for too long. I'm even thinking that we should consider putting money away every month so that we can stay in an apartment hotel and be more independent. Perhaps I'm becoming a little bit Japanese in my thinking and feeling, but I felt that we were somewhat of a burden to our friends and we have no way to repay them in kind until they come to Japan, which is unlikely. In an apartment hotel, we could buy and cook our own food and not wonder constantly (like I did) if the small amount of money I gave to my friends (that they would let me give them) covered even a fraction of the food we ate, or the energy and water we used.
Anyway, I'm feeling far and away better than I did before going home. I'm still jetlagged as heck, but hope that will be over by the weekend. We've been living together for a full 5 months and I think we've turned a corner.
Grateful to all of you who have been on this journey with us! Thanks for reading today's ramblings.
xo
M
So, no anti-anxiety meds needed since we came back. Everyone is happy to be home. My girl made soup for yesterday's breakfast and was happy to be praised for the delicious taste. Today, she made everyone a full breakfast, loading our plates with fried eggs and salad. Rice or bread was left up to the individual. Today's soup was also delicious.
Her sweet, generous nature is now beginning to reveal itself more and more every day. I think the trip to Canada did her good. She got lots of time to herself, but also had lots of attention, love, and fun. She met many different people and went to new places. She ate new things, although she wasn't crazy about many of them. She got closer to her brother because he was the only one near her age who spoke Japanese. She got closer to me and we had lots of fun in the pool at my aunt's place -- the same place I started bonding with my boy 7 years ago during his first visit to Canada.
I think I was more stressed out during the trip than anyone. I was constantly worrying if everyone was happy, although I had no need to worry. Everyone was happy. And now I am, too. Happy to back in my lovely house, even though it's frickin' humid as hades here.
Because the main purpose of this trip was to introduce my girl to the family, we didn't see as many friends as usual, but I cherished the great talks I had with the friends I did see. I got a lot of good parenting hints and assurances that we are doing fine and the kids seem to be happy.
One thing that I think I might change for future trips is the living arrangements. We have been staying with the same friends for years, and I think we should consider imposing ourselves on others in the future. Our friends are great and have never made us feel less than welcome, but I think we have relied on their generosity for too long. I'm even thinking that we should consider putting money away every month so that we can stay in an apartment hotel and be more independent. Perhaps I'm becoming a little bit Japanese in my thinking and feeling, but I felt that we were somewhat of a burden to our friends and we have no way to repay them in kind until they come to Japan, which is unlikely. In an apartment hotel, we could buy and cook our own food and not wonder constantly (like I did) if the small amount of money I gave to my friends (that they would let me give them) covered even a fraction of the food we ate, or the energy and water we used.
Anyway, I'm feeling far and away better than I did before going home. I'm still jetlagged as heck, but hope that will be over by the weekend. We've been living together for a full 5 months and I think we've turned a corner.
Grateful to all of you who have been on this journey with us! Thanks for reading today's ramblings.
xo
M
Saturday, August 20, 2016
ups and downs
Hello,
Dad was admitted to hospital yesterday morning suddenly. He was having trouble breathing and then when he went to the toilet couldn't move and called my mom to call 911. Mom said three female paramedics (she described one as an amazon) arrived and revived dad, but they had to do a lot of work, so the doctors have decided to keep him in hospital for a bit. He was just about to be moved from the ICU to the AMA yesterday when mom and I arrived to see him around 3:30.
His doctor's name is Jim Nishikawa, so I wrote his name in my very childish kanji on the whiteboard under the English version . When Dr. N. arrived, he looked at it and said, "I'm Canadian and I can't read that" but later gave Dad heck when Dad admitted that he didn't like sushi. Dad was in good spirits and wanting to go home soon, but we suspect he'll be in hospital longer than he'd like this time because the paramedics had to do a lot of work on him this time.
Dad had indulged in a lot of salty restaurant food lately and that seems to have been the culprit. His bladder was enlarged and he had to be given diuretics and although he refused the catheter at first, accepted it thanks to the calm and logical demeanor of the nurse.
My sister is also in town, so we're working on healing some old family wounds. It's good timing. Although my dad has come through a lot, emergency visits to the hospital are becoming more frequent. Mom said she'd just paid the bill for the last ambulance the day before yesterday.
Both kids are doing great. They both seem happy to do nothing but relax and play on their tech or watch TV -- but we do drag them out to the pool at my aunt's, which they also love. My husband has taught my girl how to play Hanafuda, so they had a tournament last night. My boy had an issue with my girl last night about a missing toy, but that passed and all is well again this morning.
I caught up on some work last night and had some alone time -- it's exhausting to be worrying about everyone -- and now my dad, too. On the other hand, it's a relief that the overwhelming feeling of doom I've had lately may have had a basis in reality. As I've said in previous blogs, I do feel deeply connected to my Dad and there are times where I'll feel sick and then my mom will call and tell me he's in hospital.
Everyone describes the kids as "good" and "beautiful", which is nice. I wonder if I should stop telling them what it's really like at home. I hate whitewashing, but maybe people don't really want to know the reality!
We leave Ottawa on Tuesday.I'll be going to the hospital every day to visit Dad until we leave, so won't be making any more appointments to hang out with friends I'm afraid. Keep us in your prayers!
Thanks, as always, for reading this meandering blog today.
xo
M
Dad was admitted to hospital yesterday morning suddenly. He was having trouble breathing and then when he went to the toilet couldn't move and called my mom to call 911. Mom said three female paramedics (she described one as an amazon) arrived and revived dad, but they had to do a lot of work, so the doctors have decided to keep him in hospital for a bit. He was just about to be moved from the ICU to the AMA yesterday when mom and I arrived to see him around 3:30.
His doctor's name is Jim Nishikawa, so I wrote his name in my very childish kanji on the whiteboard under the English version . When Dr. N. arrived, he looked at it and said, "I'm Canadian and I can't read that" but later gave Dad heck when Dad admitted that he didn't like sushi. Dad was in good spirits and wanting to go home soon, but we suspect he'll be in hospital longer than he'd like this time because the paramedics had to do a lot of work on him this time.
Dad had indulged in a lot of salty restaurant food lately and that seems to have been the culprit. His bladder was enlarged and he had to be given diuretics and although he refused the catheter at first, accepted it thanks to the calm and logical demeanor of the nurse.
My sister is also in town, so we're working on healing some old family wounds. It's good timing. Although my dad has come through a lot, emergency visits to the hospital are becoming more frequent. Mom said she'd just paid the bill for the last ambulance the day before yesterday.
Both kids are doing great. They both seem happy to do nothing but relax and play on their tech or watch TV -- but we do drag them out to the pool at my aunt's, which they also love. My husband has taught my girl how to play Hanafuda, so they had a tournament last night. My boy had an issue with my girl last night about a missing toy, but that passed and all is well again this morning.
I caught up on some work last night and had some alone time -- it's exhausting to be worrying about everyone -- and now my dad, too. On the other hand, it's a relief that the overwhelming feeling of doom I've had lately may have had a basis in reality. As I've said in previous blogs, I do feel deeply connected to my Dad and there are times where I'll feel sick and then my mom will call and tell me he's in hospital.
Everyone describes the kids as "good" and "beautiful", which is nice. I wonder if I should stop telling them what it's really like at home. I hate whitewashing, but maybe people don't really want to know the reality!
We leave Ottawa on Tuesday.I'll be going to the hospital every day to visit Dad until we leave, so won't be making any more appointments to hang out with friends I'm afraid. Keep us in your prayers!
Thanks, as always, for reading this meandering blog today.
xo
M
Monday, August 15, 2016
Week 2
Hello!
Well, it's been a busy time for us -- there is downtime most mornings -- my boy goes to soccer camp for half the day, then we pick him up and go to my parents' or swimming at my aunt's or out to meet friends. Yesterday, my parents took the kids for the whole day, so my husband I could go to Montreal to meet some very dear friends from Japan. My friends kindly offered to host our boy should he ever want to do a homestay abroad. My girl may not be ready for that adventure for another few years, but who knows?
The friends we are staying with remain fabulous and we are really enjoying our visit here. My boy is quite active and happy it seems, but my girl still likes to spend a lot of time alone. I was thinking about it today - she was surrounded by kids for years, and it was a loud and unsettling environment, so I won't deny her as much quiet alone time as she likes. For a while though, tired of her refusing my offers to do things together, I just stopped offering. Today, I figured I'll start offering again and give her the right of refusal, so asked if she wanted to go for a walk to a nearby shopping mall to get souvenirs. She said she didn't want to walk, so I'll go alone -- which is fine with me, because as you know, I like lots of alone time, too. However, last night we hung out together in my bed doing our own things -- she playing a game on her DS, me reading, with our legs touching, so we try to connect when we can. She's doing this new thing where she stands behind me and puts her hands on my shoulders and jumps. I'm happy with whatever contact she cares to initiate!
Both kids are using a little more English. My boy speaks it more, and my girl understands it more, which is great. We don't push them although it's obvious that my father gets annoyed and thinks we should have the kids fluently bilingual. However, the other day, my boy screwed up his courage and formed a whole question to ask my mother "May I have a diet coke?" My girl, not to be outdone, asked for grapes in the same way. She's actually picking things up really fast -- there was an English-medium daycare at the orphanage she lived in, so she has English in there somewhere!
Both kids got tons of cash from my generous aunts and we went to spend it toys. However, the kids still prefer their tech and don't play with the toys that much, although the boy likes his drone and does play with it a bit. I feel like my aunts gave ｔｈｅｍ money for nothing, but what can you do? Maybe they'll play with them later.
I'm not seeing as many friends this time as I'd like, but I know you understand that it's a little more difficult when kids' needs have to be seen to, especially when those kids have a limited understanding of the language. However, I'll be back staying in my own apartment when I bring students to Canada with me in February and will have plenty of time to socialize.
Still feeling anxious for no reason, especially in the morning. Spent the first 45 minutes of the day on the treadmill at my friends' place and will do that every day from now on. Still taking the anti-anxiety meds and will try to get something a little stronger, because these are for short-term use and I think I need something a little more heavy duty -- will work on that when I return to Japan. By the way, my GP, who is a facebook friend, checks in on me regularly, which is wonderful, don't you think? (he reads these blogs, too, so Hi, amazing Dr. K!).
xo
Mel
Well, it's been a busy time for us -- there is downtime most mornings -- my boy goes to soccer camp for half the day, then we pick him up and go to my parents' or swimming at my aunt's or out to meet friends. Yesterday, my parents took the kids for the whole day, so my husband I could go to Montreal to meet some very dear friends from Japan. My friends kindly offered to host our boy should he ever want to do a homestay abroad. My girl may not be ready for that adventure for another few years, but who knows?
The friends we are staying with remain fabulous and we are really enjoying our visit here. My boy is quite active and happy it seems, but my girl still likes to spend a lot of time alone. I was thinking about it today - she was surrounded by kids for years, and it was a loud and unsettling environment, so I won't deny her as much quiet alone time as she likes. For a while though, tired of her refusing my offers to do things together, I just stopped offering. Today, I figured I'll start offering again and give her the right of refusal, so asked if she wanted to go for a walk to a nearby shopping mall to get souvenirs. She said she didn't want to walk, so I'll go alone -- which is fine with me, because as you know, I like lots of alone time, too. However, last night we hung out together in my bed doing our own things -- she playing a game on her DS, me reading, with our legs touching, so we try to connect when we can. She's doing this new thing where she stands behind me and puts her hands on my shoulders and jumps. I'm happy with whatever contact she cares to initiate!
Both kids are using a little more English. My boy speaks it more, and my girl understands it more, which is great. We don't push them although it's obvious that my father gets annoyed and thinks we should have the kids fluently bilingual. However, the other day, my boy screwed up his courage and formed a whole question to ask my mother "May I have a diet coke?" My girl, not to be outdone, asked for grapes in the same way. She's actually picking things up really fast -- there was an English-medium daycare at the orphanage she lived in, so she has English in there somewhere!
Both kids got tons of cash from my generous aunts and we went to spend it toys. However, the kids still prefer their tech and don't play with the toys that much, although the boy likes his drone and does play with it a bit. I feel like my aunts gave ｔｈｅｍ money for nothing, but what can you do? Maybe they'll play with them later.
I'm not seeing as many friends this time as I'd like, but I know you understand that it's a little more difficult when kids' needs have to be seen to, especially when those kids have a limited understanding of the language. However, I'll be back staying in my own apartment when I bring students to Canada with me in February and will have plenty of time to socialize.
Still feeling anxious for no reason, especially in the morning. Spent the first 45 minutes of the day on the treadmill at my friends' place and will do that every day from now on. Still taking the anti-anxiety meds and will try to get something a little stronger, because these are for short-term use and I think I need something a little more heavy duty -- will work on that when I return to Japan. By the way, my GP, who is a facebook friend, checks in on me regularly, which is wonderful, don't you think? (he reads these blogs, too, so Hi, amazing Dr. K!).
xo
Mel
Tuesday, August 9, 2016
in the homeland
Hello from hot, sunny Ottawa!
Well, we made it, despite my girl leaving her passport on the plane (she asked to look at it before we landed; we forgot to make sure she had it with her when we disembarked). The woman at immigration in Toronto was amazing and even had someone from Air Canada bring the passport to her when they'd found it. When we went to transfer our baggage to the domestic area, the belt was stuck, so we had to go to another floor. There, we realized that the nice lady at immigration had kept one of our boarding passes by mistake, so I had to get another printed (freaked out first, naturally). We actually made it to our connecting flight just as they were boarding. Mom and dad gave us a ride to our wonderful friends' house, where we stay every year, and we all took melatonin and crashed.
We spent Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, hanging out with the folks, alternating between eating great food and relaxing at mom and dad's and swimming in the pool and eating cookies at my aunt's place. I had a mental crash Friday, compounded by everything, including jetlag, and begged my mother to let me have a responsibility-free day. She put me to bed, kissed me, I took two solanax and slept for pretty much the whole day. My mother is amazing. If you think I have a lot of energy and get a lot done in a day, I am nothing compared to her. She even took my girl shopping to get a bathing suit -- had to call all around town first because they are sold out at most places.
Yesterday, my boy started soccer camp. When we dropped him off, he shyly walked over the play area and I thought I should go up to the counselors and mention that he could comprehend, but not speak much English, but he told me firmly in Japanese to go home. He's shy, but really trying hard and we are very proud of him. He told us that one little boy talked to him a lot, although he couldn't respond because, as he said, "he's not used to speaking English yet". We hope that by the end of the trip, he'll be saying more. My girl slept most of the morning away because jet lag hit her hard. We woke her for lunch and then headed off to a water park to meet a friend and her son. We arrived much earlier than my friend, so the kids were fighting over the iPad, etc., and we had to do some mediation (had to do more in the evening, too). Finally, my friend arrived and the kids had a blast. When we had enough water park, we went to a nearby beach where the kids could actually swim. After that, off to McD's for dinner. I shouldn't eat anything there, but I did, and paid the penalty of feeling nauseous all evening.
This morning, my boy was not as eager to go to camp -- it took a while to figure it out -- he doesn't like to go so far in advance of the program starting (kids can be dropped off at 8 although the camp starts at 9) because it's hard for him. I realized it and we decided we can leave 15 minutes before 9 and get there in plenty of time. Once he was understood, he cheerfully checked his bag to make sure he had everything, and off we went. What is amazing me to me is I still seem to be the one who tries to figure out why there's a problem. Beloved husband sees what's in front of him only (whiny kid) and deals with it in, shall we say, a less-than-helpful way. I realize from this that I might actually have a smidgen of maternal instinct -- I used to think that meant knowing absolutely everything about how to take care of your child instinctively -- now I realize it just means listening, feeling, and trying to get to the root of the issue bothering your child.
My girl is very calm these days and although has whiny bursts, they are really not different from my boy's whiny bursts, or indeed any other kid's whiny bursts. She is enjoying some, but not all of the food, but likes the cheese, giant chocolate muffins, my mother's lasagna, that my mother has no compunction about loading a sh*tload of whipped cream onto your slice of pie (with sound effects), and that she can lounge in bed for a good part of the morning and evening. Right now she's sitting quietly across the kitchen table from me watching Chibi Marikochan videos on the iPad and laughing to herself. There's a park nearby with a basketball hoop, so the husband will take her there while I try to get a little work done. This afternoon is power-packed with more playing - we're visiting an old friend and her kids for more water pistol action and then going swimming at 6 with yet another friend who has a very outgoing daughter. This will be nice for my girl, because so far, she's had no other girls to play with. Tomorrow, I have a meeting at Ottawa U program and will take the afternoon for myself.
Have you noticed that I've replaced "the girl" and "the boy" with "my girl" and "my boy"? I wanted to protect their privacy, but some readers mentioned that it sounded distant, so I've solved this situation with a simple pronoun switch. Much better, yes?
Have been having lots of good talks with friends about mental health, medication, counseling, meditation, what books to read, self-compassion, and everything I need in my life at this moment. Thank goodness there are so many understanding people out there and it's no longer taboo to talk about these things in public. People around me keep saying, "The kids are good! The kids are sweet!" and I think, "They are?" It's true! They are good, sweet kids, and I'm winding myself up worrying about what they could be doing or what might happen in the future rather than what is in front of me right now. Why "do I do this? I've talked to other parents (well, moms) who also do this.
Anyway, am working out a plan for myself for when we return to Japan, if I'm still feeling anxious or weepy for no reason. Many friends are mentioning good meds they are on and we know a Japanese social worker who lived in the US for many years who I might be able to schedule talking sessions with. If I can get a plan to get my emotional health back on track, things will be fine. I know it!
And the one person who is getting me through with the most support is my husband. Although he doesn't always know what to do, he does a lot and reassures me that I can ask for help anytime! I couldn't do this or get through this without him!
Thanks, as always, for reading,
xo
M
Well, we made it, despite my girl leaving her passport on the plane (she asked to look at it before we landed; we forgot to make sure she had it with her when we disembarked). The woman at immigration in Toronto was amazing and even had someone from Air Canada bring the passport to her when they'd found it. When we went to transfer our baggage to the domestic area, the belt was stuck, so we had to go to another floor. There, we realized that the nice lady at immigration had kept one of our boarding passes by mistake, so I had to get another printed (freaked out first, naturally). We actually made it to our connecting flight just as they were boarding. Mom and dad gave us a ride to our wonderful friends' house, where we stay every year, and we all took melatonin and crashed.
We spent Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, hanging out with the folks, alternating between eating great food and relaxing at mom and dad's and swimming in the pool and eating cookies at my aunt's place. I had a mental crash Friday, compounded by everything, including jetlag, and begged my mother to let me have a responsibility-free day. She put me to bed, kissed me, I took two solanax and slept for pretty much the whole day. My mother is amazing. If you think I have a lot of energy and get a lot done in a day, I am nothing compared to her. She even took my girl shopping to get a bathing suit -- had to call all around town first because they are sold out at most places.
Yesterday, my boy started soccer camp. When we dropped him off, he shyly walked over the play area and I thought I should go up to the counselors and mention that he could comprehend, but not speak much English, but he told me firmly in Japanese to go home. He's shy, but really trying hard and we are very proud of him. He told us that one little boy talked to him a lot, although he couldn't respond because, as he said, "he's not used to speaking English yet". We hope that by the end of the trip, he'll be saying more. My girl slept most of the morning away because jet lag hit her hard. We woke her for lunch and then headed off to a water park to meet a friend and her son. We arrived much earlier than my friend, so the kids were fighting over the iPad, etc., and we had to do some mediation (had to do more in the evening, too). Finally, my friend arrived and the kids had a blast. When we had enough water park, we went to a nearby beach where the kids could actually swim. After that, off to McD's for dinner. I shouldn't eat anything there, but I did, and paid the penalty of feeling nauseous all evening.
This morning, my boy was not as eager to go to camp -- it took a while to figure it out -- he doesn't like to go so far in advance of the program starting (kids can be dropped off at 8 although the camp starts at 9) because it's hard for him. I realized it and we decided we can leave 15 minutes before 9 and get there in plenty of time. Once he was understood, he cheerfully checked his bag to make sure he had everything, and off we went. What is amazing me to me is I still seem to be the one who tries to figure out why there's a problem. Beloved husband sees what's in front of him only (whiny kid) and deals with it in, shall we say, a less-than-helpful way. I realize from this that I might actually have a smidgen of maternal instinct -- I used to think that meant knowing absolutely everything about how to take care of your child instinctively -- now I realize it just means listening, feeling, and trying to get to the root of the issue bothering your child.
My girl is very calm these days and although has whiny bursts, they are really not different from my boy's whiny bursts, or indeed any other kid's whiny bursts. She is enjoying some, but not all of the food, but likes the cheese, giant chocolate muffins, my mother's lasagna, that my mother has no compunction about loading a sh*tload of whipped cream onto your slice of pie (with sound effects), and that she can lounge in bed for a good part of the morning and evening. Right now she's sitting quietly across the kitchen table from me watching Chibi Marikochan videos on the iPad and laughing to herself. There's a park nearby with a basketball hoop, so the husband will take her there while I try to get a little work done. This afternoon is power-packed with more playing - we're visiting an old friend and her kids for more water pistol action and then going swimming at 6 with yet another friend who has a very outgoing daughter. This will be nice for my girl, because so far, she's had no other girls to play with. Tomorrow, I have a meeting at Ottawa U program and will take the afternoon for myself.
Have you noticed that I've replaced "the girl" and "the boy" with "my girl" and "my boy"? I wanted to protect their privacy, but some readers mentioned that it sounded distant, so I've solved this situation with a simple pronoun switch. Much better, yes?
Have been having lots of good talks with friends about mental health, medication, counseling, meditation, what books to read, self-compassion, and everything I need in my life at this moment. Thank goodness there are so many understanding people out there and it's no longer taboo to talk about these things in public. People around me keep saying, "The kids are good! The kids are sweet!" and I think, "They are?" It's true! They are good, sweet kids, and I'm winding myself up worrying about what they could be doing or what might happen in the future rather than what is in front of me right now. Why "do I do this? I've talked to other parents (well, moms) who also do this.
Anyway, am working out a plan for myself for when we return to Japan, if I'm still feeling anxious or weepy for no reason. Many friends are mentioning good meds they are on and we know a Japanese social worker who lived in the US for many years who I might be able to schedule talking sessions with. If I can get a plan to get my emotional health back on track, things will be fine. I know it!
And the one person who is getting me through with the most support is my husband. Although he doesn't always know what to do, he does a lot and reassures me that I can ask for help anytime! I couldn't do this or get through this without him!
Thanks, as always, for reading,
xo
M
Tuesday, August 2, 2016
Going home tomorrow!
Hello all,
In my favourite place in all of Japan -- Matsuzaki Starbucks, trying to slow down after having spent the morning finishing up the last of my marking and grading. Also proofread the first chapter of a thesis (I charge 10,000/hr for this service, btw) and am now sitting here with nothing to do but worry that I still have to clean the house and pack, although I will spend more time worrying about those things than actually doing them, as is my wont.
I am starting to have a better understanding of the girl. Her moods swing on a dime, but the bright side is that if you wait a few minutes, you'll get something else if you don't like what you're getting now. Going quiet is working very well for me (and that's a new thing for me for those of you who know me); I don't engage in weirdness, but thank her for small things like picking things up, clearing up her own messes, and putting her dishes in the sink. Last night, as I went out to the gym I realized that one of those rubber earbud headphone things had gone missing and was searching around the driveway by the wee light of my iPhone. The girl said, "You can borrow mine", ran inside, gave them to me and when I told her I'd also forgotten my house key, promptly gave me hers as well. When I got home, I noticed she was absorbed in a tracing activity, so quietly gave her back her things and thanked her without making a big deal, because I instinctively knew I'd get a face full of something unpleasant if I interrupted her labours.
I still can't initiate physical contact with her, but if I sit next to her while watching TV, I'll find her legs pressed up to mine or her feet on my legs or something. But if I touch her, she'll jerk away as if burned. So, I don't. Once in a while, when she's calm, I can give her a quick pat on the back or the shoulder, but that's it. When she first came, I was reading a book that said, "Hug those kids! Pick them up and hug them all the time!" Of course, that author was talking about kids under 3, not tall, strong 12-year-old adolescents with traumatic backgrounds. Something important I've learned is that although it's important to read a lot, it's as important to pick and choose from the advice you get. Not all of it fits.
I want to thank everyone who takes the time to respond to the blog or send me an email or a quick text. Your support really means a lot. This semester has been the most stressful of my life and I'm damn glad it's finally over. I put a lot of pressure on myself to be all that I can be (damn those US military commercials) every darn minute of every day (damn Zen consciousness), and it's exhausting. The thing is, it's totally not necessary! Why do I do it? OMG, I'm a drama queen. That must be it.
Lately, a few friends said that they were in awe of me. Please don't be. The only time my brain isn't clicking away at 100km/hr is when I'm asleep. If I try to self-medicate with booze, I'll feel sick before I'll feel happy, so that's no longer an option. Like my mother, I can't sit still for long, so always feel like I have to be up and doing something or I feel guilty, guilty, guilty. Survivor guilt for outliving my twin? I know there are other people out there doing a zillion things a day because they can't sit still either. Anyway, the only reason I take on so many projects is that I feel like I'm wasting my life if I'm not doing a zillion things a day. This is often why I list all the things I did in a day on FB -- to justify my existence. I don't admire people on welfare who sit on their butts and feel entitled, but it would be nice to feel allowed to be lazy once in a while.
Recently, the husband and I were talking about what it was like before my heart trouble started - like my mom, I would get up early and make breakfast for everyone, and then rush home after work and make dinner. Since the heart trouble, I do a little cooking during the week and some on the weekends, but have left it up to husband to do the lion's share. "I was lucky!" is what he said, because he knew he should have been doing a little more and fortunately he's happy to do more. He says he's lucky for other things, too. Because of my job, we have a beautiful house and enough money to go to Canada every year. Our children see more of their dad than most kids in this country and they also see an amazing relationship between their parents. We have so much to be thankful for. And yeah, I'm making it happen. Oh, what the fuck. Be in awe.
I love you all,
xo
Mel
In my favourite place in all of Japan -- Matsuzaki Starbucks, trying to slow down after having spent the morning finishing up the last of my marking and grading. Also proofread the first chapter of a thesis (I charge 10,000/hr for this service, btw) and am now sitting here with nothing to do but worry that I still have to clean the house and pack, although I will spend more time worrying about those things than actually doing them, as is my wont.
I am starting to have a better understanding of the girl. Her moods swing on a dime, but the bright side is that if you wait a few minutes, you'll get something else if you don't like what you're getting now. Going quiet is working very well for me (and that's a new thing for me for those of you who know me); I don't engage in weirdness, but thank her for small things like picking things up, clearing up her own messes, and putting her dishes in the sink. Last night, as I went out to the gym I realized that one of those rubber earbud headphone things had gone missing and was searching around the driveway by the wee light of my iPhone. The girl said, "You can borrow mine", ran inside, gave them to me and when I told her I'd also forgotten my house key, promptly gave me hers as well. When I got home, I noticed she was absorbed in a tracing activity, so quietly gave her back her things and thanked her without making a big deal, because I instinctively knew I'd get a face full of something unpleasant if I interrupted her labours.
I still can't initiate physical contact with her, but if I sit next to her while watching TV, I'll find her legs pressed up to mine or her feet on my legs or something. But if I touch her, she'll jerk away as if burned. So, I don't. Once in a while, when she's calm, I can give her a quick pat on the back or the shoulder, but that's it. When she first came, I was reading a book that said, "Hug those kids! Pick them up and hug them all the time!" Of course, that author was talking about kids under 3, not tall, strong 12-year-old adolescents with traumatic backgrounds. Something important I've learned is that although it's important to read a lot, it's as important to pick and choose from the advice you get. Not all of it fits.
I want to thank everyone who takes the time to respond to the blog or send me an email or a quick text. Your support really means a lot. This semester has been the most stressful of my life and I'm damn glad it's finally over. I put a lot of pressure on myself to be all that I can be (damn those US military commercials) every darn minute of every day (damn Zen consciousness), and it's exhausting. The thing is, it's totally not necessary! Why do I do it? OMG, I'm a drama queen. That must be it.
Lately, a few friends said that they were in awe of me. Please don't be. The only time my brain isn't clicking away at 100km/hr is when I'm asleep. If I try to self-medicate with booze, I'll feel sick before I'll feel happy, so that's no longer an option. Like my mother, I can't sit still for long, so always feel like I have to be up and doing something or I feel guilty, guilty, guilty. Survivor guilt for outliving my twin? I know there are other people out there doing a zillion things a day because they can't sit still either. Anyway, the only reason I take on so many projects is that I feel like I'm wasting my life if I'm not doing a zillion things a day. This is often why I list all the things I did in a day on FB -- to justify my existence. I don't admire people on welfare who sit on their butts and feel entitled, but it would be nice to feel allowed to be lazy once in a while.
Recently, the husband and I were talking about what it was like before my heart trouble started - like my mom, I would get up early and make breakfast for everyone, and then rush home after work and make dinner. Since the heart trouble, I do a little cooking during the week and some on the weekends, but have left it up to husband to do the lion's share. "I was lucky!" is what he said, because he knew he should have been doing a little more and fortunately he's happy to do more. He says he's lucky for other things, too. Because of my job, we have a beautiful house and enough money to go to Canada every year. Our children see more of their dad than most kids in this country and they also see an amazing relationship between their parents. We have so much to be thankful for. And yeah, I'm making it happen. Oh, what the fuck. Be in awe.
I love you all,
xo
Mel
Wednesday, July 27, 2016
moving along
Hello,
Was going through a bit of a rough patch lately. Went to the lady doc to rule out the possibility of hormone trouble, going to the cardiologist today to likely be told that my heart is fine (went back on the beta-blockers). The anti-anxiety meds are working their magic -- I've stopped resisted taking them and am getting through the day as productive as I like.
The biggest benefit is taking the time, with a clearer head, to talk about what's troubling me with my friends and especially husband, who is very sympathetic and strong and I'm able to hand over some of the more stressful things that I tend to absorb and he tends to let bounce off. I find myself walking out of rooms where yelling is happening, but responding to requests for conversation or play when they come. Last night the girl came to bed, said a bunch of rude things, but then played songs for me on her recorder and read me a bedtime story. I don't talk when she's being unpleasant, but thank her for the good things, like serenades and stories. This seems to be working.
Have realized many things -- may never get the affection from the kids that I crave or I might some day, but not in the near future. Or it might happen tomorrow. One never knows.
I can't hover around them hoping to make up for all the years they spent institutionalized and not receiving proper care. I can only create a calm, loving environment for them to develop and reinvent their own wheels. There is only so much I am responsible for.
I remembered Susan Sarandon's character in "Dead man walking" saying that a nun's job of loving everyone is work. I don't automatically love these children in my house, just by virtue of their being a) in my house and b) under my care. The bonds take years to develop and there is more annoyance than joy in most days, if I'm to be completely honest. We're working at it.
Oh, but when it comes... you'll hear about it!
xo
M
Was going through a bit of a rough patch lately. Went to the lady doc to rule out the possibility of hormone trouble, going to the cardiologist today to likely be told that my heart is fine (went back on the beta-blockers). The anti-anxiety meds are working their magic -- I've stopped resisted taking them and am getting through the day as productive as I like.
The biggest benefit is taking the time, with a clearer head, to talk about what's troubling me with my friends and especially husband, who is very sympathetic and strong and I'm able to hand over some of the more stressful things that I tend to absorb and he tends to let bounce off. I find myself walking out of rooms where yelling is happening, but responding to requests for conversation or play when they come. Last night the girl came to bed, said a bunch of rude things, but then played songs for me on her recorder and read me a bedtime story. I don't talk when she's being unpleasant, but thank her for the good things, like serenades and stories. This seems to be working.
Have realized many things -- may never get the affection from the kids that I crave or I might some day, but not in the near future. Or it might happen tomorrow. One never knows.
I can't hover around them hoping to make up for all the years they spent institutionalized and not receiving proper care. I can only create a calm, loving environment for them to develop and reinvent their own wheels. There is only so much I am responsible for.
I remembered Susan Sarandon's character in "Dead man walking" saying that a nun's job of loving everyone is work. I don't automatically love these children in my house, just by virtue of their being a) in my house and b) under my care. The bonds take years to develop and there is more annoyance than joy in most days, if I'm to be completely honest. We're working at it.
Oh, but when it comes... you'll hear about it!
xo
M
Sunday, July 17, 2016
holiday monday
Feeling better, thanks!
That feeling of unease and panic I've been having just stopped last night. Weirdest thing. Then I heard that my Dad was back in the hospital. This is the third time I've felt really weird and bad and then my dad was hospitalized. I wonder if there is some kind of psychic bond between us and our family members. My mother was unsurprised when I told her about it and told me to let her know as soon as I start feeling this way next time, so she'll get dad medical attention sooner!
This weekend has been fairly quiet. The girl's friends all seem to be at a basketball tournament that the girl is not in, so she's been home bingeing on Doraemon and such, and we're not giving her too hard of a time for it because she's bored and we're tired and everyone needs to be left alone to figure their own things out. I keep telling myself that it doesn't matter what I do or don't do, the kids will be fine. Actually they are very fine. There is the usual sibling bickering and such, but the big freakouts are getting farther apart and the girl is calming herself faster. We stay open to her, but I'm keeping a healthy distance when things get too weird because unlike the husband, who lets things bounce off, I absorb everything. But it's getting easier.
The girl eats constantly. I think it's age, but also self-comforting. She's active and slender and not sick, so we've talked about it and decided to just start substituting more healthy snacks for the cookies and such, and wait to see if she stops eating so much once she's calmed down more. We're still in the early days, we have to remind ourselves - the first six months are the biggest part of the test and we're almost at the end of month 4. The boy ate a lot, too, when he first came, and when he started refusing to eat sometimes, we realized he was feeling more at home.
Girl took me by the hand last night and led me into her room and told me to wait for her before going downstairs for her shower. I give her little pats on the back once in a while, but never for too long. I made her smile at lunchtime by saying, "Here you go, princess" (in Japanese) as I handed her lunch.
I thought all the door slamming and sour faces were being directed at me, but they really weren't. The boy is also rough and slams doors and stomps around -- I suspect it's the result of noisy institutionalized life. I realized by seeing what the girl was doing and not what she was looking like, I could understand her better. Like both kids, I'm also over-reactive and expect the worst -- the husband has bitchy resting face and that's hard for all of us! He's constantly bewildered by our accusations that he's mad at us!
Love to all,
M
That feeling of unease and panic I've been having just stopped last night. Weirdest thing. Then I heard that my Dad was back in the hospital. This is the third time I've felt really weird and bad and then my dad was hospitalized. I wonder if there is some kind of psychic bond between us and our family members. My mother was unsurprised when I told her about it and told me to let her know as soon as I start feeling this way next time, so she'll get dad medical attention sooner!
This weekend has been fairly quiet. The girl's friends all seem to be at a basketball tournament that the girl is not in, so she's been home bingeing on Doraemon and such, and we're not giving her too hard of a time for it because she's bored and we're tired and everyone needs to be left alone to figure their own things out. I keep telling myself that it doesn't matter what I do or don't do, the kids will be fine. Actually they are very fine. There is the usual sibling bickering and such, but the big freakouts are getting farther apart and the girl is calming herself faster. We stay open to her, but I'm keeping a healthy distance when things get too weird because unlike the husband, who lets things bounce off, I absorb everything. But it's getting easier.
The girl eats constantly. I think it's age, but also self-comforting. She's active and slender and not sick, so we've talked about it and decided to just start substituting more healthy snacks for the cookies and such, and wait to see if she stops eating so much once she's calmed down more. We're still in the early days, we have to remind ourselves - the first six months are the biggest part of the test and we're almost at the end of month 4. The boy ate a lot, too, when he first came, and when he started refusing to eat sometimes, we realized he was feeling more at home.
Girl took me by the hand last night and led me into her room and told me to wait for her before going downstairs for her shower. I give her little pats on the back once in a while, but never for too long. I made her smile at lunchtime by saying, "Here you go, princess" (in Japanese) as I handed her lunch.
I thought all the door slamming and sour faces were being directed at me, but they really weren't. The boy is also rough and slams doors and stomps around -- I suspect it's the result of noisy institutionalized life. I realized by seeing what the girl was doing and not what she was looking like, I could understand her better. Like both kids, I'm also over-reactive and expect the worst -- the husband has bitchy resting face and that's hard for all of us! He's constantly bewildered by our accusations that he's mad at us!
Love to all,
M
Wednesday, July 13, 2016
what it's like
Hello,
Well, I seem to be calming down somewhat -- I'm back on the beta blockers daily and that seems to be helping with the random racing heart thingy. I'm still taking anti-anxiety meds, but only half every four hours and last night I didn't feel the need to take any because I did a nice, long workout and felt like nothing could bother me afterwards. In any event, taking care of my physical and mental state is helping me process the things that are troubling me.
Last night was the girl's turn to sleep in my room. She came in, with great ceremony said, "I'm not sleeping here", took her comic book, and left. We've had a weird few days since we fought on the weekend, so it's probably taking both of us time to want to be around each other again. Fair enough. This too, shall pass.
I am trying to connect with her when I can though and it's hit or miss. Yesterday, I made her breakfast and she accepted it, but this morning, I made a breakfast parfait for her; she took one look at it and said, "I don't want that." Instead, she prepared a bowl of cereal for herself, but claimed a stomach ache and left half of it in the sink and ran out the door, lying about having taken her medication. I did what I've seen many a Japanese mom do: be a martyr and eat the food left by the kid. To be honest, it wasn't that hard, because I tend not to eat enough for breakfast anyway, so I probably won't need to resort to snacks mid-morning. Silver linings.
I had a great chat with another foreign foster mom yesterday and connecting with her helped put many things in perspective. One thing is that our foster/adoptive family group here in Niigata really does try to help each other by bringing parents together to talk and share their stories. My new friend does not seem to have such a group nearby. Another thing is that many issues that plague us plague all parents, but we understand that the backgrounds of our children preclude traditional parenting methods -- while many of our friends and family members often try to offer "helpful" advice, they really don't know what the kids have been through and why they resist authority or traditional parenting. In addition, we confirmed the great ignorance surrounding fostering and adoption in Japan and that there really need to be more resources out there for Japanese foster parents, who, not knowing how to treat their foster kids, often end up sending them back to institutions or the welfare office. Finally, I realized how much I (and she) needed to talk to someone who understands about our situation -- especially when we are both limited in our Japanese ability and, of course, foreign. Networks are so important!
One realization that I've come to is that it's hard for me to be so disliked by the child. I went through a bad time of that at her age, and it's like reliving my own bad feelings. I have to tell myself, "You don't have to like me (although it would be nice); I don't have to be your friend." I'm the parent. And, as my friend Shawn reminds me, no matter what I do or don't do, she has to go through her adjustment period and that has nothing to do with me.
And it is getting better. She doesn't blow up so much; she gets up and dressed in the morning on her own speed, she is starting to remember house rules, and she closes the door in rooms where the air conditioning is on (like this morning). So even if she seems surly and negative, she's behaving better than before. Surly and negative. Typical adolescence, me thinks.
xo
M
Well, I seem to be calming down somewhat -- I'm back on the beta blockers daily and that seems to be helping with the random racing heart thingy. I'm still taking anti-anxiety meds, but only half every four hours and last night I didn't feel the need to take any because I did a nice, long workout and felt like nothing could bother me afterwards. In any event, taking care of my physical and mental state is helping me process the things that are troubling me.
Last night was the girl's turn to sleep in my room. She came in, with great ceremony said, "I'm not sleeping here", took her comic book, and left. We've had a weird few days since we fought on the weekend, so it's probably taking both of us time to want to be around each other again. Fair enough. This too, shall pass.
I am trying to connect with her when I can though and it's hit or miss. Yesterday, I made her breakfast and she accepted it, but this morning, I made a breakfast parfait for her; she took one look at it and said, "I don't want that." Instead, she prepared a bowl of cereal for herself, but claimed a stomach ache and left half of it in the sink and ran out the door, lying about having taken her medication. I did what I've seen many a Japanese mom do: be a martyr and eat the food left by the kid. To be honest, it wasn't that hard, because I tend not to eat enough for breakfast anyway, so I probably won't need to resort to snacks mid-morning. Silver linings.
I had a great chat with another foreign foster mom yesterday and connecting with her helped put many things in perspective. One thing is that our foster/adoptive family group here in Niigata really does try to help each other by bringing parents together to talk and share their stories. My new friend does not seem to have such a group nearby. Another thing is that many issues that plague us plague all parents, but we understand that the backgrounds of our children preclude traditional parenting methods -- while many of our friends and family members often try to offer "helpful" advice, they really don't know what the kids have been through and why they resist authority or traditional parenting. In addition, we confirmed the great ignorance surrounding fostering and adoption in Japan and that there really need to be more resources out there for Japanese foster parents, who, not knowing how to treat their foster kids, often end up sending them back to institutions or the welfare office. Finally, I realized how much I (and she) needed to talk to someone who understands about our situation -- especially when we are both limited in our Japanese ability and, of course, foreign. Networks are so important!
One realization that I've come to is that it's hard for me to be so disliked by the child. I went through a bad time of that at her age, and it's like reliving my own bad feelings. I have to tell myself, "You don't have to like me (although it would be nice); I don't have to be your friend." I'm the parent. And, as my friend Shawn reminds me, no matter what I do or don't do, she has to go through her adjustment period and that has nothing to do with me.
And it is getting better. She doesn't blow up so much; she gets up and dressed in the morning on her own speed, she is starting to remember house rules, and she closes the door in rooms where the air conditioning is on (like this morning). So even if she seems surly and negative, she's behaving better than before. Surly and negative. Typical adolescence, me thinks.
xo
M
Friday, July 8, 2016
back and forth
As I write, the girl is in another room singing to herself.
So, when I got home last night, the girl was back from her field trip, but was rude to me, name calling, complaining about English, and saying she didn't want to go to Canada. Knowing that she's freaky after a new experience, I usually let it roll off, but yesterday, I was really tired and stressed and although I didn't respond to her directly, made angry faces at my husband. Usually, we have family movie night on Friday night, but she wanted to watch children's anime, so the boy and I watched Christmas Story on my mini-DVD player in another room. Afterwards, I thought it was better for all of to end the evening together, so the boy and I went into the same room as the girl and did our own things -- she watched her anime, the boy watched different stuff on the iPad and I read a book.
I went to bed first, because I was exhausted -- I thought the kids would stay up longer, but to my surprise they both went to bed, too. The girl came to my room to confirm that she wouldn't be sleeping with me, because it's Dad's night to, but I said we could change nights if she really wanted to. "The boy will complain if I do," she said (which is true), so she went to her own bed. I sent her a message wishing her a goodnight. We exchanged emojis for a bit and then she called me and we wished each other goodnight in warm voices.
This morning, she woke up in a good mood, ate breakfast cheerfully, and since she has no sports today and I have the morning free, I offered to take her to shopping because some of her clothes are decidedly old and falling to pieces or have dirt in them that will never be removed, no matter how much we wash them. At first she declined, but when I offered to buy her a manga she agreed to it, so we'll head out in about an hour.
The boy was in a very bad mood, however. It's raining, so usually a message will come from the family driving him to soccer practice saying that the practice is cancelled, but no message came. He was annoyed because the messages are generally relayed through the husband who has to work today and couldn't get away to confirm. I told the boy to simply put on his soccer clothes and if his ride didn't come at the pick up time, he could change back into regular clothes, but he preferred to pitch a fit, blame my husband for not being here, and yell at me for nagging. I said, "It's up to you" and left the room. I heard him go up to his room and change. No one showed up at the appointed time, so he's changed back into his regular clothes and will go out to play. His mood is decidedly better.
As I've written before, I'm reacting more strongly than usual and need help from meds for the time being. When I'm calm, I think about what goes on and why I react so strongly to the kids sometimes. For them, it's the same old nonsense and their moods change on a dime. The problem for parents (well for me, anyway), I think, is that we remember and hold on to everything. Lately, I find myself anticipating the potential bad moods of the girl, instead of just expecting normality and reacting when I need to react. Gotta learn how to do something about that!
xo
M
So, when I got home last night, the girl was back from her field trip, but was rude to me, name calling, complaining about English, and saying she didn't want to go to Canada. Knowing that she's freaky after a new experience, I usually let it roll off, but yesterday, I was really tired and stressed and although I didn't respond to her directly, made angry faces at my husband. Usually, we have family movie night on Friday night, but she wanted to watch children's anime, so the boy and I watched Christmas Story on my mini-DVD player in another room. Afterwards, I thought it was better for all of to end the evening together, so the boy and I went into the same room as the girl and did our own things -- she watched her anime, the boy watched different stuff on the iPad and I read a book.
I went to bed first, because I was exhausted -- I thought the kids would stay up longer, but to my surprise they both went to bed, too. The girl came to my room to confirm that she wouldn't be sleeping with me, because it's Dad's night to, but I said we could change nights if she really wanted to. "The boy will complain if I do," she said (which is true), so she went to her own bed. I sent her a message wishing her a goodnight. We exchanged emojis for a bit and then she called me and we wished each other goodnight in warm voices.
This morning, she woke up in a good mood, ate breakfast cheerfully, and since she has no sports today and I have the morning free, I offered to take her to shopping because some of her clothes are decidedly old and falling to pieces or have dirt in them that will never be removed, no matter how much we wash them. At first she declined, but when I offered to buy her a manga she agreed to it, so we'll head out in about an hour.
The boy was in a very bad mood, however. It's raining, so usually a message will come from the family driving him to soccer practice saying that the practice is cancelled, but no message came. He was annoyed because the messages are generally relayed through the husband who has to work today and couldn't get away to confirm. I told the boy to simply put on his soccer clothes and if his ride didn't come at the pick up time, he could change back into regular clothes, but he preferred to pitch a fit, blame my husband for not being here, and yell at me for nagging. I said, "It's up to you" and left the room. I heard him go up to his room and change. No one showed up at the appointed time, so he's changed back into his regular clothes and will go out to play. His mood is decidedly better.
As I've written before, I'm reacting more strongly than usual and need help from meds for the time being. When I'm calm, I think about what goes on and why I react so strongly to the kids sometimes. For them, it's the same old nonsense and their moods change on a dime. The problem for parents (well for me, anyway), I think, is that we remember and hold on to everything. Lately, I find myself anticipating the potential bad moods of the girl, instead of just expecting normality and reacting when I need to react. Gotta learn how to do something about that!
xo
M
Tuesday, July 5, 2016
More on the stealing thing
Okay, so last night I noticed that 1000 yen (about 10 bucks) was missing from my wallet. I'd forgotten to put my purse away and had just hung it on a chair in the kitchen. While I was having a shower, the girl came in and said she wanted to meet a friend in the park, but would be back by 6:15 -- I looked at the clock in the shower and saw that it was already 5:50, but let her go.
Later that evening, I looked in my wallet and found the money missing. I knew for sure that I should have had 7000 yen in there because I had paid my departmental association fee of 3000 yen from a 10,000 yen bill before leaving the campus.
I called the husband, who called the kids into the room. I said that I knew money was missing from my wallet. I asked the boy, husband, and girl in that order if they had taken it. The boy and husband denied it; the girl said nothing. I told her I knew she'd taken it and would she please put it back. She stood silent. After a time, I told the boy to leave, because he was playing with his wallet and I that wasn't helping the situation. While the husband sat silent, I told the girl that I knew she had a good heart, but was doing bad things. I told her that we loved her and knew that she was smart enough to know from right and wrong. I pleaded with her to do the right thing and return the money to me. She stayed silent and standing and I was sitting on my bed, giving her straight eye-contact. I never got mad or raised my voice. I told her I knew she felt she needed more money, but that taking it was stealing and that I was disappointed and sad because I want to trust her.
Between my words there were long patches of silence where we just looked at each other. She shifted around, looked at the floor, and scratched at herself, but said nothing. Finally, she said to both my husband and I, "I took it; I'm sorry."
I thanked her for that and told her that was half of what was necessary. I told her I was very happy that she admitted it and apologized, but she had to return the money. Several times I urged to go to her room and just get it and this would all be over, but she wouldn't budge. Finally, I told the husband to go, because he looked heavy and I had a feeling that she would say something to me that she might not say in front of him.
After a while, and much throat clearing, she said again that she was sorry that she'd taken it, but had spent it, so couldn't give it back. I asked her where she used it and she told me the convenience store. So, that was where she went while I was showering earlier. I thanked her again for her honesty. She went to her room and played her piano, and I listened through the wall (I had asked for a concert earlier before all this happened), but I didn't leave my room and didn't talk with her again except when she came to my door to apologize one more time. Before going to sleep, I sent her a text telling her I loved her and to have a good sleep.
This morning, as we always do, we started again. I sent her a phone message greeting her and asking if she wanted a cereal and yoghurt parfait for breakfast. She came down, ate, took her meds and went to school.
When I arrived at my office, I put my hand in the outer pocket of my purse and found 210 yen that hadn't been there yesterday. I guess she had some change left from her shopping expedition and put it back when I wasn't looking this morning. I'm very proud of her. I sent her a text simply saying "thank you" and will leave it at that.
This is been a stressful time and has been taking a toll on me emotionally, so I've decided it's no shame to go back on the anti-anxiety medicine full time again until things calm down a little more. It was hard, too, with the boy at first, but I don't remember... I guess it's like forgetting the pain after the pregnancy and deciding to have another child!
Thanks for reading and for your support, as always!
xo
Mel
Later that evening, I looked in my wallet and found the money missing. I knew for sure that I should have had 7000 yen in there because I had paid my departmental association fee of 3000 yen from a 10,000 yen bill before leaving the campus.
I called the husband, who called the kids into the room. I said that I knew money was missing from my wallet. I asked the boy, husband, and girl in that order if they had taken it. The boy and husband denied it; the girl said nothing. I told her I knew she'd taken it and would she please put it back. She stood silent. After a time, I told the boy to leave, because he was playing with his wallet and I that wasn't helping the situation. While the husband sat silent, I told the girl that I knew she had a good heart, but was doing bad things. I told her that we loved her and knew that she was smart enough to know from right and wrong. I pleaded with her to do the right thing and return the money to me. She stayed silent and standing and I was sitting on my bed, giving her straight eye-contact. I never got mad or raised my voice. I told her I knew she felt she needed more money, but that taking it was stealing and that I was disappointed and sad because I want to trust her.
Between my words there were long patches of silence where we just looked at each other. She shifted around, looked at the floor, and scratched at herself, but said nothing. Finally, she said to both my husband and I, "I took it; I'm sorry."
I thanked her for that and told her that was half of what was necessary. I told her I was very happy that she admitted it and apologized, but she had to return the money. Several times I urged to go to her room and just get it and this would all be over, but she wouldn't budge. Finally, I told the husband to go, because he looked heavy and I had a feeling that she would say something to me that she might not say in front of him.
After a while, and much throat clearing, she said again that she was sorry that she'd taken it, but had spent it, so couldn't give it back. I asked her where she used it and she told me the convenience store. So, that was where she went while I was showering earlier. I thanked her again for her honesty. She went to her room and played her piano, and I listened through the wall (I had asked for a concert earlier before all this happened), but I didn't leave my room and didn't talk with her again except when she came to my door to apologize one more time. Before going to sleep, I sent her a text telling her I loved her and to have a good sleep.
This morning, as we always do, we started again. I sent her a phone message greeting her and asking if she wanted a cereal and yoghurt parfait for breakfast. She came down, ate, took her meds and went to school.
When I arrived at my office, I put my hand in the outer pocket of my purse and found 210 yen that hadn't been there yesterday. I guess she had some change left from her shopping expedition and put it back when I wasn't looking this morning. I'm very proud of her. I sent her a text simply saying "thank you" and will leave it at that.
This is been a stressful time and has been taking a toll on me emotionally, so I've decided it's no shame to go back on the anti-anxiety medicine full time again until things calm down a little more. It was hard, too, with the boy at first, but I don't remember... I guess it's like forgetting the pain after the pregnancy and deciding to have another child!
Thanks for reading and for your support, as always!
xo
Mel
Wednesday, June 29, 2016
protecting the heart
Hello,
First, thanks for everyone in Hiroshima last weekend who told me they were reading my posts and asked me about the family. Special thanks (and you know who you are) to someone who shared her family trials with me, showing me that it's good to talk about the hard side of parenting, and that every family goes rough times. What I took from our conversation is that no matter what we do or don't do, our children have their own paths to follow.
This post is called "Protecting the heart". I did not enjoy childhood at all. I felt misunderstood, alone, and was bullied severely (as I have mentioned), which made me create a sturdy wall around myself -- for years, I was loathe to let anyone in, and that resulted in serial monogamy until I met my husband, the first person I could let in because he made me feel that he liked me the way I was and he truly made me want to be a better person because of his belief in me (not to say that any previous people I was involved with didn't feel the same way, but I was too busy protecting myself that I didn't notice).
In Japan, it's easy to let your guard down. As a foreigner, you are judged by different standards, and because people value harmony, they rarely get in your face, although they will talk about you and speculate behind your back, just like anywhere else. Because of this lack of confrontation, I've been letting my guard down more and more over the years. In fact, I'm pretty open-hearted now and let everything go in, good or bad.
And with the kids, I feel it's important for me to have an open heart and to keep it that way, so that they will feel I'm there for them. However, the girl tests my heart every day with her bad words and violent actions, and although things are really, really improving, I'm finding myself relying on the anti-anxiety meds more and more because I'm a naturally nervous person and I tend to imagine worst-case scenarios even when there's no reason to. This morning, for example, I was just sitting at my desk overwhelmed with dread. I took half a med and now I'm chilled (I'm also menstruating, so my hormones are crazy, too -- yes, still menstruating weeks shy of 53 years old) which I'm sure doesn't help much. I'm finding it a little difficult to find things to be happy about our look forward to at times like this, but I have my own roller coaster to ride, I guess!
Anyway, any guidance on how to keep one's heart open while not letting in the bad stuff would be greatly appreciated!
First, thanks for everyone in Hiroshima last weekend who told me they were reading my posts and asked me about the family. Special thanks (and you know who you are) to someone who shared her family trials with me, showing me that it's good to talk about the hard side of parenting, and that every family goes rough times. What I took from our conversation is that no matter what we do or don't do, our children have their own paths to follow.
This post is called "Protecting the heart". I did not enjoy childhood at all. I felt misunderstood, alone, and was bullied severely (as I have mentioned), which made me create a sturdy wall around myself -- for years, I was loathe to let anyone in, and that resulted in serial monogamy until I met my husband, the first person I could let in because he made me feel that he liked me the way I was and he truly made me want to be a better person because of his belief in me (not to say that any previous people I was involved with didn't feel the same way, but I was too busy protecting myself that I didn't notice).
In Japan, it's easy to let your guard down. As a foreigner, you are judged by different standards, and because people value harmony, they rarely get in your face, although they will talk about you and speculate behind your back, just like anywhere else. Because of this lack of confrontation, I've been letting my guard down more and more over the years. In fact, I'm pretty open-hearted now and let everything go in, good or bad.
And with the kids, I feel it's important for me to have an open heart and to keep it that way, so that they will feel I'm there for them. However, the girl tests my heart every day with her bad words and violent actions, and although things are really, really improving, I'm finding myself relying on the anti-anxiety meds more and more because I'm a naturally nervous person and I tend to imagine worst-case scenarios even when there's no reason to. This morning, for example, I was just sitting at my desk overwhelmed with dread. I took half a med and now I'm chilled (I'm also menstruating, so my hormones are crazy, too -- yes, still menstruating weeks shy of 53 years old) which I'm sure doesn't help much. I'm finding it a little difficult to find things to be happy about our look forward to at times like this, but I have my own roller coaster to ride, I guess!
Anyway, any guidance on how to keep one's heart open while not letting in the bad stuff would be greatly appreciated!
Tuesday, June 28, 2016
All over da place
So, I spent most of yesterday in a panic thinking about how we were going to deal with the issue of the girl stealing. First, she took money from my son, then my husband, and finally me. We've been keeping our money safe now and hiding it from her, but we have to address the issue in a way that won't escalate tension. This is our plan: talk to the son beforehand and tell him to just be quiet during the family meeting. We start with a discussion on allowances asking "Do you have enough money?" Of course, both kids will say they don't. Then we will say, "You get money for birthdays and new years. Also, you get a base of 1000 yen a month and you can work for a maximum of 1000 yen more by doing English sheets or housework. Let's work together to figure out the value of things like washing dishes, sweeping the floor, etc. And, if you have a school trip or ｓｏｍｅ special outing, you can ask for more money. However, we noticed recently that money seems to be missing, which makes us sad because we want to trust everyone, so please don't just take it because that's a bad habit and a crime and it's not nice to take money from people who have worked hard to earn it."
We will also tell the kids to keep their own money in a safe place and to count it to make sure nothing is missing and that we will start doing the same thing.
We figure this is the best way to deal with the situation because I've read that foster kids steal because they don't like being dependent on people they don't trust yet and they are afraid for their own survival. The fact that the girl spends the money soon after taking it shows that she knows it's bad and she probably wants us to stop her. I did a lot of reading and it said that a direct confrontation will result in lies and denials.
We also told the caseworker and hope she can give us some more helpful advice.
So that's one thing.
The good news is that we visited the school yesterday to talk to her regular teacher and her special ed teacher and both of them said she was making great strides, had lots of friends, was showing her personality in class in a good way, and seemed to be much different than she was in April when the semester first started. There are still bumps here and there, but not with the same intensity and frequency as before. The caseworker attributed it to her being in our family (the girl refers to us as her parents apparently -- we had no idea because she still doesn't call us by name, but that might be so she doesn't stand out like she did when she was living in the orphanage -- however, it's good, right?). They are concerned about her studies a little bit, but are content to wait for her to settle down further. I'm thinking of offering a part-time job to one of my students to be a "homework coach"to help her along (and the boy if he needs it).
We were so happy to hear that news, that we bought treats for dinner, but had a face full of anger from her because she wanted to go to a festival unsupervised with friends and we said no way. She kicked and punched us a bit and walked away from dinner, but played piano loudly in her room until she'd calmed down, then ate a bit, went out and played basketball in the driveway with the husband, and came in and ate some more and invited me to play Uno with her over dessert. After that, she took out her homework and spent about an hour on it, which was, frankly, unbelievable. She came to sleep with me very late and kept turning the lights off and on and singing loudly until I took the remote control from her (by force, but making a game of it).
She is really forcing me to parent her and damn if I'm not doing it. Hard work, but it seems to be worth it -- I kept wiping my eyes in the principal's office yesterday, because I was overwhelmed by all the good news.
We will also tell the kids to keep their own money in a safe place and to count it to make sure nothing is missing and that we will start doing the same thing.
We figure this is the best way to deal with the situation because I've read that foster kids steal because they don't like being dependent on people they don't trust yet and they are afraid for their own survival. The fact that the girl spends the money soon after taking it shows that she knows it's bad and she probably wants us to stop her. I did a lot of reading and it said that a direct confrontation will result in lies and denials.
We also told the caseworker and hope she can give us some more helpful advice.
So that's one thing.
The good news is that we visited the school yesterday to talk to her regular teacher and her special ed teacher and both of them said she was making great strides, had lots of friends, was showing her personality in class in a good way, and seemed to be much different than she was in April when the semester first started. There are still bumps here and there, but not with the same intensity and frequency as before. The caseworker attributed it to her being in our family (the girl refers to us as her parents apparently -- we had no idea because she still doesn't call us by name, but that might be so she doesn't stand out like she did when she was living in the orphanage -- however, it's good, right?). They are concerned about her studies a little bit, but are content to wait for her to settle down further. I'm thinking of offering a part-time job to one of my students to be a "homework coach"to help her along (and the boy if he needs it).
We were so happy to hear that news, that we bought treats for dinner, but had a face full of anger from her because she wanted to go to a festival unsupervised with friends and we said no way. She kicked and punched us a bit and walked away from dinner, but played piano loudly in her room until she'd calmed down, then ate a bit, went out and played basketball in the driveway with the husband, and came in and ate some more and invited me to play Uno with her over dessert. After that, she took out her homework and spent about an hour on it, which was, frankly, unbelievable. She came to sleep with me very late and kept turning the lights off and on and singing loudly until I took the remote control from her (by force, but making a game of it).
She is really forcing me to parent her and damn if I'm not doing it. Hard work, but it seems to be worth it -- I kept wiping my eyes in the principal's office yesterday, because I was overwhelmed by all the good news.
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