Hello,
Was going through a bit of a rough patch lately. Went to the lady doc to rule out the possibility of hormone trouble, going to the cardiologist today to likely be told that my heart is fine (went back on the beta-blockers). The anti-anxiety meds are working their magic -- I've stopped resisted taking them and am getting through the day as productive as I like.
The biggest benefit is taking the time, with a clearer head, to talk about what's troubling me with my friends and especially husband, who is very sympathetic and strong and I'm able to hand over some of the more stressful things that I tend to absorb and he tends to let bounce off. I find myself walking out of rooms where yelling is happening, but responding to requests for conversation or play when they come. Last night the girl came to bed, said a bunch of rude things, but then played songs for me on her recorder and read me a bedtime story. I don't talk when she's being unpleasant, but thank her for the good things, like serenades and stories. This seems to be working.
Have realized many things -- may never get the affection from the kids that I crave or I might some day, but not in the near future. Or it might happen tomorrow. One never knows.
I can't hover around them hoping to make up for all the years they spent institutionalized and not receiving proper care. I can only create a calm, loving environment for them to develop and reinvent their own wheels. There is only so much I am responsible for.
I remembered Susan Sarandon's character in "Dead man walking" saying that a nun's job of loving everyone is work. I don't automatically love these children in my house, just by virtue of their being a) in my house and b) under my care. The bonds take years to develop and there is more annoyance than joy in most days, if I'm to be completely honest. We're working at it.
Oh, but when it comes... you'll hear about it!
xo
M
Wednesday, July 27, 2016
Sunday, July 17, 2016
holiday monday
Feeling better, thanks!
That feeling of unease and panic I've been having just stopped last night. Weirdest thing. Then I heard that my Dad was back in the hospital. This is the third time I've felt really weird and bad and then my dad was hospitalized. I wonder if there is some kind of psychic bond between us and our family members. My mother was unsurprised when I told her about it and told me to let her know as soon as I start feeling this way next time, so she'll get dad medical attention sooner!
This weekend has been fairly quiet. The girl's friends all seem to be at a basketball tournament that the girl is not in, so she's been home bingeing on Doraemon and such, and we're not giving her too hard of a time for it because she's bored and we're tired and everyone needs to be left alone to figure their own things out. I keep telling myself that it doesn't matter what I do or don't do, the kids will be fine. Actually they are very fine. There is the usual sibling bickering and such, but the big freakouts are getting farther apart and the girl is calming herself faster. We stay open to her, but I'm keeping a healthy distance when things get too weird because unlike the husband, who lets things bounce off, I absorb everything. But it's getting easier.
The girl eats constantly. I think it's age, but also self-comforting. She's active and slender and not sick, so we've talked about it and decided to just start substituting more healthy snacks for the cookies and such, and wait to see if she stops eating so much once she's calmed down more. We're still in the early days, we have to remind ourselves - the first six months are the biggest part of the test and we're almost at the end of month 4. The boy ate a lot, too, when he first came, and when he started refusing to eat sometimes, we realized he was feeling more at home.
Girl took me by the hand last night and led me into her room and told me to wait for her before going downstairs for her shower. I give her little pats on the back once in a while, but never for too long. I made her smile at lunchtime by saying, "Here you go, princess" (in Japanese) as I handed her lunch.
I thought all the door slamming and sour faces were being directed at me, but they really weren't. The boy is also rough and slams doors and stomps around -- I suspect it's the result of noisy institutionalized life. I realized by seeing what the girl was doing and not what she was looking like, I could understand her better. Like both kids, I'm also over-reactive and expect the worst -- the husband has bitchy resting face and that's hard for all of us! He's constantly bewildered by our accusations that he's mad at us!
Love to all,
M
That feeling of unease and panic I've been having just stopped last night. Weirdest thing. Then I heard that my Dad was back in the hospital. This is the third time I've felt really weird and bad and then my dad was hospitalized. I wonder if there is some kind of psychic bond between us and our family members. My mother was unsurprised when I told her about it and told me to let her know as soon as I start feeling this way next time, so she'll get dad medical attention sooner!
This weekend has been fairly quiet. The girl's friends all seem to be at a basketball tournament that the girl is not in, so she's been home bingeing on Doraemon and such, and we're not giving her too hard of a time for it because she's bored and we're tired and everyone needs to be left alone to figure their own things out. I keep telling myself that it doesn't matter what I do or don't do, the kids will be fine. Actually they are very fine. There is the usual sibling bickering and such, but the big freakouts are getting farther apart and the girl is calming herself faster. We stay open to her, but I'm keeping a healthy distance when things get too weird because unlike the husband, who lets things bounce off, I absorb everything. But it's getting easier.
The girl eats constantly. I think it's age, but also self-comforting. She's active and slender and not sick, so we've talked about it and decided to just start substituting more healthy snacks for the cookies and such, and wait to see if she stops eating so much once she's calmed down more. We're still in the early days, we have to remind ourselves - the first six months are the biggest part of the test and we're almost at the end of month 4. The boy ate a lot, too, when he first came, and when he started refusing to eat sometimes, we realized he was feeling more at home.
Girl took me by the hand last night and led me into her room and told me to wait for her before going downstairs for her shower. I give her little pats on the back once in a while, but never for too long. I made her smile at lunchtime by saying, "Here you go, princess" (in Japanese) as I handed her lunch.
I thought all the door slamming and sour faces were being directed at me, but they really weren't. The boy is also rough and slams doors and stomps around -- I suspect it's the result of noisy institutionalized life. I realized by seeing what the girl was doing and not what she was looking like, I could understand her better. Like both kids, I'm also over-reactive and expect the worst -- the husband has bitchy resting face and that's hard for all of us! He's constantly bewildered by our accusations that he's mad at us!
Love to all,
M
Wednesday, July 13, 2016
what it's like
Hello,
Well, I seem to be calming down somewhat -- I'm back on the beta blockers daily and that seems to be helping with the random racing heart thingy. I'm still taking anti-anxiety meds, but only half every four hours and last night I didn't feel the need to take any because I did a nice, long workout and felt like nothing could bother me afterwards. In any event, taking care of my physical and mental state is helping me process the things that are troubling me.
Last night was the girl's turn to sleep in my room. She came in, with great ceremony said, "I'm not sleeping here", took her comic book, and left. We've had a weird few days since we fought on the weekend, so it's probably taking both of us time to want to be around each other again. Fair enough. This too, shall pass.
I am trying to connect with her when I can though and it's hit or miss. Yesterday, I made her breakfast and she accepted it, but this morning, I made a breakfast parfait for her; she took one look at it and said, "I don't want that." Instead, she prepared a bowl of cereal for herself, but claimed a stomach ache and left half of it in the sink and ran out the door, lying about having taken her medication. I did what I've seen many a Japanese mom do: be a martyr and eat the food left by the kid. To be honest, it wasn't that hard, because I tend not to eat enough for breakfast anyway, so I probably won't need to resort to snacks mid-morning. Silver linings.
I had a great chat with another foreign foster mom yesterday and connecting with her helped put many things in perspective. One thing is that our foster/adoptive family group here in Niigata really does try to help each other by bringing parents together to talk and share their stories. My new friend does not seem to have such a group nearby. Another thing is that many issues that plague us plague all parents, but we understand that the backgrounds of our children preclude traditional parenting methods -- while many of our friends and family members often try to offer "helpful" advice, they really don't know what the kids have been through and why they resist authority or traditional parenting. In addition, we confirmed the great ignorance surrounding fostering and adoption in Japan and that there really need to be more resources out there for Japanese foster parents, who, not knowing how to treat their foster kids, often end up sending them back to institutions or the welfare office. Finally, I realized how much I (and she) needed to talk to someone who understands about our situation -- especially when we are both limited in our Japanese ability and, of course, foreign. Networks are so important!
One realization that I've come to is that it's hard for me to be so disliked by the child. I went through a bad time of that at her age, and it's like reliving my own bad feelings. I have to tell myself, "You don't have to like me (although it would be nice); I don't have to be your friend." I'm the parent. And, as my friend Shawn reminds me, no matter what I do or don't do, she has to go through her adjustment period and that has nothing to do with me.
And it is getting better. She doesn't blow up so much; she gets up and dressed in the morning on her own speed, she is starting to remember house rules, and she closes the door in rooms where the air conditioning is on (like this morning). So even if she seems surly and negative, she's behaving better than before. Surly and negative. Typical adolescence, me thinks.
xo
M
Well, I seem to be calming down somewhat -- I'm back on the beta blockers daily and that seems to be helping with the random racing heart thingy. I'm still taking anti-anxiety meds, but only half every four hours and last night I didn't feel the need to take any because I did a nice, long workout and felt like nothing could bother me afterwards. In any event, taking care of my physical and mental state is helping me process the things that are troubling me.
Last night was the girl's turn to sleep in my room. She came in, with great ceremony said, "I'm not sleeping here", took her comic book, and left. We've had a weird few days since we fought on the weekend, so it's probably taking both of us time to want to be around each other again. Fair enough. This too, shall pass.
I am trying to connect with her when I can though and it's hit or miss. Yesterday, I made her breakfast and she accepted it, but this morning, I made a breakfast parfait for her; she took one look at it and said, "I don't want that." Instead, she prepared a bowl of cereal for herself, but claimed a stomach ache and left half of it in the sink and ran out the door, lying about having taken her medication. I did what I've seen many a Japanese mom do: be a martyr and eat the food left by the kid. To be honest, it wasn't that hard, because I tend not to eat enough for breakfast anyway, so I probably won't need to resort to snacks mid-morning. Silver linings.
I had a great chat with another foreign foster mom yesterday and connecting with her helped put many things in perspective. One thing is that our foster/adoptive family group here in Niigata really does try to help each other by bringing parents together to talk and share their stories. My new friend does not seem to have such a group nearby. Another thing is that many issues that plague us plague all parents, but we understand that the backgrounds of our children preclude traditional parenting methods -- while many of our friends and family members often try to offer "helpful" advice, they really don't know what the kids have been through and why they resist authority or traditional parenting. In addition, we confirmed the great ignorance surrounding fostering and adoption in Japan and that there really need to be more resources out there for Japanese foster parents, who, not knowing how to treat their foster kids, often end up sending them back to institutions or the welfare office. Finally, I realized how much I (and she) needed to talk to someone who understands about our situation -- especially when we are both limited in our Japanese ability and, of course, foreign. Networks are so important!
One realization that I've come to is that it's hard for me to be so disliked by the child. I went through a bad time of that at her age, and it's like reliving my own bad feelings. I have to tell myself, "You don't have to like me (although it would be nice); I don't have to be your friend." I'm the parent. And, as my friend Shawn reminds me, no matter what I do or don't do, she has to go through her adjustment period and that has nothing to do with me.
And it is getting better. She doesn't blow up so much; she gets up and dressed in the morning on her own speed, she is starting to remember house rules, and she closes the door in rooms where the air conditioning is on (like this morning). So even if she seems surly and negative, she's behaving better than before. Surly and negative. Typical adolescence, me thinks.
xo
M
Friday, July 8, 2016
back and forth
As I write, the girl is in another room singing to herself.
So, when I got home last night, the girl was back from her field trip, but was rude to me, name calling, complaining about English, and saying she didn't want to go to Canada. Knowing that she's freaky after a new experience, I usually let it roll off, but yesterday, I was really tired and stressed and although I didn't respond to her directly, made angry faces at my husband. Usually, we have family movie night on Friday night, but she wanted to watch children's anime, so the boy and I watched Christmas Story on my mini-DVD player in another room. Afterwards, I thought it was better for all of to end the evening together, so the boy and I went into the same room as the girl and did our own things -- she watched her anime, the boy watched different stuff on the iPad and I read a book.
I went to bed first, because I was exhausted -- I thought the kids would stay up longer, but to my surprise they both went to bed, too. The girl came to my room to confirm that she wouldn't be sleeping with me, because it's Dad's night to, but I said we could change nights if she really wanted to. "The boy will complain if I do," she said (which is true), so she went to her own bed. I sent her a message wishing her a goodnight. We exchanged emojis for a bit and then she called me and we wished each other goodnight in warm voices.
This morning, she woke up in a good mood, ate breakfast cheerfully, and since she has no sports today and I have the morning free, I offered to take her to shopping because some of her clothes are decidedly old and falling to pieces or have dirt in them that will never be removed, no matter how much we wash them. At first she declined, but when I offered to buy her a manga she agreed to it, so we'll head out in about an hour.
The boy was in a very bad mood, however. It's raining, so usually a message will come from the family driving him to soccer practice saying that the practice is cancelled, but no message came. He was annoyed because the messages are generally relayed through the husband who has to work today and couldn't get away to confirm. I told the boy to simply put on his soccer clothes and if his ride didn't come at the pick up time, he could change back into regular clothes, but he preferred to pitch a fit, blame my husband for not being here, and yell at me for nagging. I said, "It's up to you" and left the room. I heard him go up to his room and change. No one showed up at the appointed time, so he's changed back into his regular clothes and will go out to play. His mood is decidedly better.
As I've written before, I'm reacting more strongly than usual and need help from meds for the time being. When I'm calm, I think about what goes on and why I react so strongly to the kids sometimes. For them, it's the same old nonsense and their moods change on a dime. The problem for parents (well for me, anyway), I think, is that we remember and hold on to everything. Lately, I find myself anticipating the potential bad moods of the girl, instead of just expecting normality and reacting when I need to react. Gotta learn how to do something about that!
xo
M
So, when I got home last night, the girl was back from her field trip, but was rude to me, name calling, complaining about English, and saying she didn't want to go to Canada. Knowing that she's freaky after a new experience, I usually let it roll off, but yesterday, I was really tired and stressed and although I didn't respond to her directly, made angry faces at my husband. Usually, we have family movie night on Friday night, but she wanted to watch children's anime, so the boy and I watched Christmas Story on my mini-DVD player in another room. Afterwards, I thought it was better for all of to end the evening together, so the boy and I went into the same room as the girl and did our own things -- she watched her anime, the boy watched different stuff on the iPad and I read a book.
I went to bed first, because I was exhausted -- I thought the kids would stay up longer, but to my surprise they both went to bed, too. The girl came to my room to confirm that she wouldn't be sleeping with me, because it's Dad's night to, but I said we could change nights if she really wanted to. "The boy will complain if I do," she said (which is true), so she went to her own bed. I sent her a message wishing her a goodnight. We exchanged emojis for a bit and then she called me and we wished each other goodnight in warm voices.
This morning, she woke up in a good mood, ate breakfast cheerfully, and since she has no sports today and I have the morning free, I offered to take her to shopping because some of her clothes are decidedly old and falling to pieces or have dirt in them that will never be removed, no matter how much we wash them. At first she declined, but when I offered to buy her a manga she agreed to it, so we'll head out in about an hour.
The boy was in a very bad mood, however. It's raining, so usually a message will come from the family driving him to soccer practice saying that the practice is cancelled, but no message came. He was annoyed because the messages are generally relayed through the husband who has to work today and couldn't get away to confirm. I told the boy to simply put on his soccer clothes and if his ride didn't come at the pick up time, he could change back into regular clothes, but he preferred to pitch a fit, blame my husband for not being here, and yell at me for nagging. I said, "It's up to you" and left the room. I heard him go up to his room and change. No one showed up at the appointed time, so he's changed back into his regular clothes and will go out to play. His mood is decidedly better.
As I've written before, I'm reacting more strongly than usual and need help from meds for the time being. When I'm calm, I think about what goes on and why I react so strongly to the kids sometimes. For them, it's the same old nonsense and their moods change on a dime. The problem for parents (well for me, anyway), I think, is that we remember and hold on to everything. Lately, I find myself anticipating the potential bad moods of the girl, instead of just expecting normality and reacting when I need to react. Gotta learn how to do something about that!
xo
M
Tuesday, July 5, 2016
More on the stealing thing
Okay, so last night I noticed that 1000 yen (about 10 bucks) was missing from my wallet. I'd forgotten to put my purse away and had just hung it on a chair in the kitchen. While I was having a shower, the girl came in and said she wanted to meet a friend in the park, but would be back by 6:15 -- I looked at the clock in the shower and saw that it was already 5:50, but let her go.
Later that evening, I looked in my wallet and found the money missing. I knew for sure that I should have had 7000 yen in there because I had paid my departmental association fee of 3000 yen from a 10,000 yen bill before leaving the campus.
I called the husband, who called the kids into the room. I said that I knew money was missing from my wallet. I asked the boy, husband, and girl in that order if they had taken it. The boy and husband denied it; the girl said nothing. I told her I knew she'd taken it and would she please put it back. She stood silent. After a time, I told the boy to leave, because he was playing with his wallet and I that wasn't helping the situation. While the husband sat silent, I told the girl that I knew she had a good heart, but was doing bad things. I told her that we loved her and knew that she was smart enough to know from right and wrong. I pleaded with her to do the right thing and return the money to me. She stayed silent and standing and I was sitting on my bed, giving her straight eye-contact. I never got mad or raised my voice. I told her I knew she felt she needed more money, but that taking it was stealing and that I was disappointed and sad because I want to trust her.
Between my words there were long patches of silence where we just looked at each other. She shifted around, looked at the floor, and scratched at herself, but said nothing. Finally, she said to both my husband and I, "I took it; I'm sorry."
I thanked her for that and told her that was half of what was necessary. I told her I was very happy that she admitted it and apologized, but she had to return the money. Several times I urged to go to her room and just get it and this would all be over, but she wouldn't budge. Finally, I told the husband to go, because he looked heavy and I had a feeling that she would say something to me that she might not say in front of him.
After a while, and much throat clearing, she said again that she was sorry that she'd taken it, but had spent it, so couldn't give it back. I asked her where she used it and she told me the convenience store. So, that was where she went while I was showering earlier. I thanked her again for her honesty. She went to her room and played her piano, and I listened through the wall (I had asked for a concert earlier before all this happened), but I didn't leave my room and didn't talk with her again except when she came to my door to apologize one more time. Before going to sleep, I sent her a text telling her I loved her and to have a good sleep.
This morning, as we always do, we started again. I sent her a phone message greeting her and asking if she wanted a cereal and yoghurt parfait for breakfast. She came down, ate, took her meds and went to school.
When I arrived at my office, I put my hand in the outer pocket of my purse and found 210 yen that hadn't been there yesterday. I guess she had some change left from her shopping expedition and put it back when I wasn't looking this morning. I'm very proud of her. I sent her a text simply saying "thank you" and will leave it at that.
This is been a stressful time and has been taking a toll on me emotionally, so I've decided it's no shame to go back on the anti-anxiety medicine full time again until things calm down a little more. It was hard, too, with the boy at first, but I don't remember... I guess it's like forgetting the pain after the pregnancy and deciding to have another child!
Thanks for reading and for your support, as always!
xo
Mel
Later that evening, I looked in my wallet and found the money missing. I knew for sure that I should have had 7000 yen in there because I had paid my departmental association fee of 3000 yen from a 10,000 yen bill before leaving the campus.
I called the husband, who called the kids into the room. I said that I knew money was missing from my wallet. I asked the boy, husband, and girl in that order if they had taken it. The boy and husband denied it; the girl said nothing. I told her I knew she'd taken it and would she please put it back. She stood silent. After a time, I told the boy to leave, because he was playing with his wallet and I that wasn't helping the situation. While the husband sat silent, I told the girl that I knew she had a good heart, but was doing bad things. I told her that we loved her and knew that she was smart enough to know from right and wrong. I pleaded with her to do the right thing and return the money to me. She stayed silent and standing and I was sitting on my bed, giving her straight eye-contact. I never got mad or raised my voice. I told her I knew she felt she needed more money, but that taking it was stealing and that I was disappointed and sad because I want to trust her.
Between my words there were long patches of silence where we just looked at each other. She shifted around, looked at the floor, and scratched at herself, but said nothing. Finally, she said to both my husband and I, "I took it; I'm sorry."
I thanked her for that and told her that was half of what was necessary. I told her I was very happy that she admitted it and apologized, but she had to return the money. Several times I urged to go to her room and just get it and this would all be over, but she wouldn't budge. Finally, I told the husband to go, because he looked heavy and I had a feeling that she would say something to me that she might not say in front of him.
After a while, and much throat clearing, she said again that she was sorry that she'd taken it, but had spent it, so couldn't give it back. I asked her where she used it and she told me the convenience store. So, that was where she went while I was showering earlier. I thanked her again for her honesty. She went to her room and played her piano, and I listened through the wall (I had asked for a concert earlier before all this happened), but I didn't leave my room and didn't talk with her again except when she came to my door to apologize one more time. Before going to sleep, I sent her a text telling her I loved her and to have a good sleep.
This morning, as we always do, we started again. I sent her a phone message greeting her and asking if she wanted a cereal and yoghurt parfait for breakfast. She came down, ate, took her meds and went to school.
When I arrived at my office, I put my hand in the outer pocket of my purse and found 210 yen that hadn't been there yesterday. I guess she had some change left from her shopping expedition and put it back when I wasn't looking this morning. I'm very proud of her. I sent her a text simply saying "thank you" and will leave it at that.
This is been a stressful time and has been taking a toll on me emotionally, so I've decided it's no shame to go back on the anti-anxiety medicine full time again until things calm down a little more. It was hard, too, with the boy at first, but I don't remember... I guess it's like forgetting the pain after the pregnancy and deciding to have another child!
Thanks for reading and for your support, as always!
xo
Mel
Wednesday, June 29, 2016
protecting the heart
Hello,
First, thanks for everyone in Hiroshima last weekend who told me they were reading my posts and asked me about the family. Special thanks (and you know who you are) to someone who shared her family trials with me, showing me that it's good to talk about the hard side of parenting, and that every family goes rough times. What I took from our conversation is that no matter what we do or don't do, our children have their own paths to follow.
This post is called "Protecting the heart". I did not enjoy childhood at all. I felt misunderstood, alone, and was bullied severely (as I have mentioned), which made me create a sturdy wall around myself -- for years, I was loathe to let anyone in, and that resulted in serial monogamy until I met my husband, the first person I could let in because he made me feel that he liked me the way I was and he truly made me want to be a better person because of his belief in me (not to say that any previous people I was involved with didn't feel the same way, but I was too busy protecting myself that I didn't notice).
In Japan, it's easy to let your guard down. As a foreigner, you are judged by different standards, and because people value harmony, they rarely get in your face, although they will talk about you and speculate behind your back, just like anywhere else. Because of this lack of confrontation, I've been letting my guard down more and more over the years. In fact, I'm pretty open-hearted now and let everything go in, good or bad.
And with the kids, I feel it's important for me to have an open heart and to keep it that way, so that they will feel I'm there for them. However, the girl tests my heart every day with her bad words and violent actions, and although things are really, really improving, I'm finding myself relying on the anti-anxiety meds more and more because I'm a naturally nervous person and I tend to imagine worst-case scenarios even when there's no reason to. This morning, for example, I was just sitting at my desk overwhelmed with dread. I took half a med and now I'm chilled (I'm also menstruating, so my hormones are crazy, too -- yes, still menstruating weeks shy of 53 years old) which I'm sure doesn't help much. I'm finding it a little difficult to find things to be happy about our look forward to at times like this, but I have my own roller coaster to ride, I guess!
Anyway, any guidance on how to keep one's heart open while not letting in the bad stuff would be greatly appreciated!
First, thanks for everyone in Hiroshima last weekend who told me they were reading my posts and asked me about the family. Special thanks (and you know who you are) to someone who shared her family trials with me, showing me that it's good to talk about the hard side of parenting, and that every family goes rough times. What I took from our conversation is that no matter what we do or don't do, our children have their own paths to follow.
This post is called "Protecting the heart". I did not enjoy childhood at all. I felt misunderstood, alone, and was bullied severely (as I have mentioned), which made me create a sturdy wall around myself -- for years, I was loathe to let anyone in, and that resulted in serial monogamy until I met my husband, the first person I could let in because he made me feel that he liked me the way I was and he truly made me want to be a better person because of his belief in me (not to say that any previous people I was involved with didn't feel the same way, but I was too busy protecting myself that I didn't notice).
In Japan, it's easy to let your guard down. As a foreigner, you are judged by different standards, and because people value harmony, they rarely get in your face, although they will talk about you and speculate behind your back, just like anywhere else. Because of this lack of confrontation, I've been letting my guard down more and more over the years. In fact, I'm pretty open-hearted now and let everything go in, good or bad.
And with the kids, I feel it's important for me to have an open heart and to keep it that way, so that they will feel I'm there for them. However, the girl tests my heart every day with her bad words and violent actions, and although things are really, really improving, I'm finding myself relying on the anti-anxiety meds more and more because I'm a naturally nervous person and I tend to imagine worst-case scenarios even when there's no reason to. This morning, for example, I was just sitting at my desk overwhelmed with dread. I took half a med and now I'm chilled (I'm also menstruating, so my hormones are crazy, too -- yes, still menstruating weeks shy of 53 years old) which I'm sure doesn't help much. I'm finding it a little difficult to find things to be happy about our look forward to at times like this, but I have my own roller coaster to ride, I guess!
Anyway, any guidance on how to keep one's heart open while not letting in the bad stuff would be greatly appreciated!
Tuesday, June 28, 2016
All over da place
So, I spent most of yesterday in a panic thinking about how we were going to deal with the issue of the girl stealing. First, she took money from my son, then my husband, and finally me. We've been keeping our money safe now and hiding it from her, but we have to address the issue in a way that won't escalate tension. This is our plan: talk to the son beforehand and tell him to just be quiet during the family meeting. We start with a discussion on allowances asking "Do you have enough money?" Of course, both kids will say they don't. Then we will say, "You get money for birthdays and new years. Also, you get a base of 1000 yen a month and you can work for a maximum of 1000 yen more by doing English sheets or housework. Let's work together to figure out the value of things like washing dishes, sweeping the floor, etc. And, if you have a school trip or ｓｏｍｅ special outing, you can ask for more money. However, we noticed recently that money seems to be missing, which makes us sad because we want to trust everyone, so please don't just take it because that's a bad habit and a crime and it's not nice to take money from people who have worked hard to earn it."
We will also tell the kids to keep their own money in a safe place and to count it to make sure nothing is missing and that we will start doing the same thing.
We figure this is the best way to deal with the situation because I've read that foster kids steal because they don't like being dependent on people they don't trust yet and they are afraid for their own survival. The fact that the girl spends the money soon after taking it shows that she knows it's bad and she probably wants us to stop her. I did a lot of reading and it said that a direct confrontation will result in lies and denials.
We also told the caseworker and hope she can give us some more helpful advice.
So that's one thing.
The good news is that we visited the school yesterday to talk to her regular teacher and her special ed teacher and both of them said she was making great strides, had lots of friends, was showing her personality in class in a good way, and seemed to be much different than she was in April when the semester first started. There are still bumps here and there, but not with the same intensity and frequency as before. The caseworker attributed it to her being in our family (the girl refers to us as her parents apparently -- we had no idea because she still doesn't call us by name, but that might be so she doesn't stand out like she did when she was living in the orphanage -- however, it's good, right?). They are concerned about her studies a little bit, but are content to wait for her to settle down further. I'm thinking of offering a part-time job to one of my students to be a "homework coach"to help her along (and the boy if he needs it).
We were so happy to hear that news, that we bought treats for dinner, but had a face full of anger from her because she wanted to go to a festival unsupervised with friends and we said no way. She kicked and punched us a bit and walked away from dinner, but played piano loudly in her room until she'd calmed down, then ate a bit, went out and played basketball in the driveway with the husband, and came in and ate some more and invited me to play Uno with her over dessert. After that, she took out her homework and spent about an hour on it, which was, frankly, unbelievable. She came to sleep with me very late and kept turning the lights off and on and singing loudly until I took the remote control from her (by force, but making a game of it).
She is really forcing me to parent her and damn if I'm not doing it. Hard work, but it seems to be worth it -- I kept wiping my eyes in the principal's office yesterday, because I was overwhelmed by all the good news.
We will also tell the kids to keep their own money in a safe place and to count it to make sure nothing is missing and that we will start doing the same thing.
We figure this is the best way to deal with the situation because I've read that foster kids steal because they don't like being dependent on people they don't trust yet and they are afraid for their own survival. The fact that the girl spends the money soon after taking it shows that she knows it's bad and she probably wants us to stop her. I did a lot of reading and it said that a direct confrontation will result in lies and denials.
We also told the caseworker and hope she can give us some more helpful advice.
So that's one thing.
The good news is that we visited the school yesterday to talk to her regular teacher and her special ed teacher and both of them said she was making great strides, had lots of friends, was showing her personality in class in a good way, and seemed to be much different than she was in April when the semester first started. There are still bumps here and there, but not with the same intensity and frequency as before. The caseworker attributed it to her being in our family (the girl refers to us as her parents apparently -- we had no idea because she still doesn't call us by name, but that might be so she doesn't stand out like she did when she was living in the orphanage -- however, it's good, right?). They are concerned about her studies a little bit, but are content to wait for her to settle down further. I'm thinking of offering a part-time job to one of my students to be a "homework coach"to help her along (and the boy if he needs it).
We were so happy to hear that news, that we bought treats for dinner, but had a face full of anger from her because she wanted to go to a festival unsupervised with friends and we said no way. She kicked and punched us a bit and walked away from dinner, but played piano loudly in her room until she'd calmed down, then ate a bit, went out and played basketball in the driveway with the husband, and came in and ate some more and invited me to play Uno with her over dessert. After that, she took out her homework and spent about an hour on it, which was, frankly, unbelievable. She came to sleep with me very late and kept turning the lights off and on and singing loudly until I took the remote control from her (by force, but making a game of it).
She is really forcing me to parent her and damn if I'm not doing it. Hard work, but it seems to be worth it -- I kept wiping my eyes in the principal's office yesterday, because I was overwhelmed by all the good news.
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