Hello,
Was going through a bit of a rough patch lately. Went to the lady doc to rule out the possibility of hormone trouble, going to the cardiologist today to likely be told that my heart is fine (went back on the beta-blockers). The anti-anxiety meds are working their magic -- I've stopped resisted taking them and am getting through the day as productive as I like.
The biggest benefit is taking the time, with a clearer head, to talk about what's troubling me with my friends and especially husband, who is very sympathetic and strong and I'm able to hand over some of the more stressful things that I tend to absorb and he tends to let bounce off. I find myself walking out of rooms where yelling is happening, but responding to requests for conversation or play when they come. Last night the girl came to bed, said a bunch of rude things, but then played songs for me on her recorder and read me a bedtime story. I don't talk when she's being unpleasant, but thank her for the good things, like serenades and stories. This seems to be working.
Have realized many things -- may never get the affection from the kids that I crave or I might some day, but not in the near future. Or it might happen tomorrow. One never knows.
I can't hover around them hoping to make up for all the years they spent institutionalized and not receiving proper care. I can only create a calm, loving environment for them to develop and reinvent their own wheels. There is only so much I am responsible for.
I remembered Susan Sarandon's character in "Dead man walking" saying that a nun's job of loving everyone is work. I don't automatically love these children in my house, just by virtue of their being a) in my house and b) under my care. The bonds take years to develop and there is more annoyance than joy in most days, if I'm to be completely honest. We're working at it.
Oh, but when it comes... you'll hear about it!
xo
M
Just want to give you a big hug. One of the hardest things for me to accept has been that I cannot possibly fix everything for Rinka. Every fiber of my being wants to, but it can't be done by me or anyone else. It's when I forget that and start beating myself up for not doing a better job that things really start falling apart around here. You are doing a wonderful job and have found a good perspective, and did I mention last post about how great it is you are modeling taking care of yourself for those two kids (and of course important that you are taking care of yourself for your own sake - you deserve it).
ReplyDeleteBeloved Sara!
ReplyDeleteYour words come at a good time! Things are really improving and both kids seem to be thriving, but I still beat myself up a thousand times a day for not being a better teacher, wife, parent, friend, or anything else for that matter. Thank goodness the semester is finally over -- I got the last of the grades in for my students and just finished proofreading a chapter for a colleague (paid gig, hooray!) and can now relax, sort of. Tomorrow we head off to Canada. Thank goodness the husband booked us out of Niigata, so we don't have to schlep luggage through train stations! It will be the first visit for the girl to Canada and I hope that it brings us closer -- it did that certainly for me and the boy after his first trip there. I think the kids see me in a different light in my own country surrounded by people who are like me.
I have two books in my bag on parenting foster/ADHD/troubled kids for my holiday reading. Right now, I'm in my favourite place in Niigata, which is Matsuzaki Starbucks. Will do a little fun reading (chick lit), and then head home to clean the house and pack. Slowly, slowly... there's no rush...
Have a wonderful trip!!! I hope you get lots of chances to spoil yourself! And if you find the books useful, tell me their titles.
ReplyDelete